Hi everyone!
I've finally joined this forums after knowing about its existence for years, finally giving in to my adventurous mind and actually facing the topics that amaze me the most.
I do want to give an introduction of myself, after running the marathon known as answering the questionaire in one go....
Im bIRD, 26yo male from germany, currently working in IT. The first time ive used psychedelics was at 18 which at this point of my life taught me "tough" lessons which it took me years to comprehend and integrate, especially as i had an underlying addiction problem with thc and amphetamine.
At 19yo it got so bad i searched for help, quit everything, went into rehab, did therapy and blocked all contacts from my "old" life. Step by step i started to get traction again, worked a small job for a year while healing from my past. Three years ago i went into scholarship in IT and graduated with an average score of 1.0 while also graduating a schools degree with the same score.
At this point i was quite happy with myself, i recovered fully from my addiction (with no fallback in all those years
), my mind recovered aswell and i work a nice job that is not too demanding and pays well. I also signed contract which enables me to go to university soon, but i dont want to go too much into detail about my work.
Lately my interest in psychedelics got sparked again. I stumbled over a couple videos on youtube which activated some memories in me, how i do like experiencing what the human mind is capable of and i thought to myself: "Can i use psychedelics in a positive, risk reduced way?". Of course this was a bit problematic for myself, as my moral suggested me, that i am an addict, and the consumption alone could trigger "something" in myself.... Which, in hindsight, was just an abstract fear of mine. So i did some research on spice, a substance i had interest years ago. Ive tried common psychedelics like lsd, psilocybin and 2c-b before but never did dmt in the past. Ive always enjoyed the very personal experiences, i guess that was what drew me to spice in the first place.
To give you some insight on my thoughts and ideals:
Im a very materialistic person and i do believe in an unfathomable capability of the human brain. This view on life gave me a fundament to build on, it made me able to integrate alot of my experiences, especially as i was susceptible to delusions in the past. Im a very pro life person and i do have some sort of idea how the human fits in the reality. Im very interested in conciousness research, i do like me some philosophy talk and i would call myself spiritual.... atleast in my definition of spirituality.
I see great possibilities in experiencing duality as a human and every moment in this life should be cherished, as we are experiencing something incredible which is temporary. Currently i dont have much close friends, but those that i have are very close! I can talk deeply with some of them and we share many attributes. I would like to meet new people who think alike but this takes time.... I do believe in therapeutical usage of psychedelics and my idea is to only use drugs with a intent, as ive learned alot about abuse.
I also want to share my latest experiences... as i got my hands on some spice.
The first time i tried i was using a little perculator pipe with a bubbler on it. i loaded 15mg into it with the intent to dip my toes in the water, seeing how i would react to altered conciousness after all these years. I realized shortly that my smoking technique is bad, as ive never smoked out of a glass bubble before. Anyway, my first experience was very mild. I took two small hits and laid down in my room, just watching, experiencing. Ive noticed my vision went synchronous, i sensed more colour and my body feel shifted. I was very clear headed all the time. After a while i checked my pipe and realized i almost didnt smoke any of the 15mg i put into it. I then went to hit it a couple times more and laid down again with the effects increasing. I noticed slight visuals and the body high got pretty strong, i also was slightly aroused for a bit. After this experience i tried to reflect on it and decided on further progression. First time felt really soothing in hindsight, it sparked my interest, took some weight of my shoulders (anxiety of usage) and i prepared myself to go deeper.
The next day i got ready for the trip, i put on some psybient (Ott - Mir), loaded 35mg in my pipe and smoked it. I was pretty anxious about this one. I also got a jet lighter this time. I took 2 hits from it, which both didnt have much vapor in them. I was a bit anxious and didnt exhale properly beforehand yadayada, still it had a way bigger effect on me. Looking in the bowl afterwards, this was about 15mg in vapour, there still was alot in it.
I laid on my couch, exhaled and watched.... This time i got way more visuals (but they seemed they have a lot more to come) and i slipped into my psychedelic headspace. My conciousness felt like it was stretching ALOT. This all felt very familiar and made me think about one higher dose lsd trip. Pretty early during the onset some things came to mind:
- A voice telling me to surrender myself (which was one of my intents, surrendering to reality)
- Me thinking "Well, i just want a women" - guess im hetero?
- I thought about the effects and how this felt very recognizable for me
- I sensed some entity in the background, somewhere behind the mild black and reflective visuals behind my closed eyes, telling me to "let go". More in a guiding sense. I did some research about the subjective effects of the substance and "it" "felt" very jester-like.
- My mind at this point was in a bit of a struggle, i didnt feel like it was part of my conciousness but - i guess because of the lower dose - was still able to grasp my body, think about breathing and holding on. Not like i was able to control any of this.
Shortly after i opened my eyes, still was in between worlds and had some after effects. Weird accoustic distortions, odd feelings. Neither good nor bad. Ive known this feeling before, like when you cant fully get over the hurdle on lsd. This gave me a lot to reflect upon.
I decided to respect the substance and first fully integrate the mild trip i had this day. I thought alot about it, spoke with my best friend and observed myself, and still am as the trip was last Sunday. I postponed the next one indefinetly, i want my best friend to be with me next time, mostly because i need someone to calm me and hold my pipe
I noticed some behavioural changes, it somehow feels easier to engange with other human beings, like some knots in myself had been opened. I mostly feel unchanged, the experience just added something to myself in a way. When i spoke with a friend about this i noticed i was able to piece some things about my view on life together, which was pretty astonishing as i never spoke in such a positive way about life and our experience as humans.
I think i will cut my story here for the time. Feel free to ask me anything, id love to get in touch with think-alikes. Sending you all some love!
