Since my first DMT experience, I have taken DMT maybe a dozen more times. Yet it's only now I look back at it and ask myself what I was doing... I was so naive. I had never taken psychedelics yet DMT found me anyway. I ask myself now, was it the profundity of psychedelics that blew my mind or was it just DMT...
Going back, I remember it clearly like it happened yesterday. It had melted in my friends pocket. A fold of tinfoil kept it all together, stupidly we cut up small squares of the tinfoil, ignorant of the dose. In hindsight I know now this was a ridiculous position to put myself in yet part of me yearned for the experience. The ego had to know, something had to be answered for me :S
The moment in inhaled, the dull glow of a lighter and tinder smiling back at me as I inhaled this frankly insane substance. The onset was immediate. God only knows how much I took but I didn't have a second or even third hit... it was so immediate, no build up.
The room folded away instantly, walls collapsing, barriers breaking. Complex geometry unfolding faster than I could possibly imagine in maybe a second I saw things I couldn't explain or understand, like the entirety of the universe had just been fired into my consciousness. I had the thoughts of "what have I done? What on earth have I taken, I must have taken too much and I've died..."
I found myself positioned in space, yet my vision wasn't the same anymore. I couldn't close what I thought were my eyes, only my mind was open to the experience. There was no me anymore. I watched reality fold back faster and faster. More and more complex spaces folding and unfolding before me. I accelerated at some unimaginable speed. Like I was being torn into a thousand pieces. My consciousness was being wrung out like a wet cloth, I felt panic and resistance. I didn't want to die yet it was happening anyway.
She came into the space like she crawled out of the ether. Some entity or spirit, like liquid fire, coloured like a rainbow, dancing in a fantastic display of geometric patterns and impossible positions. Folding herself inside out several times and then asking me to follow her. She was to take me somewhere. She took me inside of herself and dragged me straight to the core of this experience.
I saw flickers of white light dissolve into the space, whatever illusion had been built in my mind was now collapsing at a terrifying pace. Then I saw it :S a light like a trillion suns. It absorbed everything, became everything... Whatever humanity I had vanished, thoughts ceased, pain seemed like some trivial sensation. Whatever this was, it was the truth, no lie could be found here, no deceptions. I remember the last thought I had, "Were my Mum and Dad ok with this? Would they be ok that I had died"
I felt a warmth I had never felt before yet I could remember it... such a profound love, a voice telling me to stop fighting. To stop knowing, to stop pretending. It was the ego that was holding on, that was stopping me from becoming. It was a sleeve I wore everyday, when I wake up I put it back on and when I fell asleep I took it off. The clothing of the universe.
I let go. Then it really happened. The light intensified further, like I was being pulled to it's very core.. the tension that had built up within me stopped and I expanded... I can't say I felt anything, there was no I anymore, it only was and is, time ceased. Whatever base descriptions I could apply to it seemed meaningless, there was no ego anymore, no sense of self, only a complete and total peace with everything, totality. This is where we came from, this is where we would go back to. This was home. In the absolute truest sense of the word. I remember the ego creeping back in, trying to get a grip on what was happening, trying it's hardest to reform itself and make rational sense of the experience.
The room came tumbling back in, like I was slammed from the highest peak to the lowest eb of the mountain, I woke up in the foetal position, holding a pillow. Tears running down my face, I couldn't think.. I couldn't speak, still surrounding me was psychedelic chaos, which gradually became less and less intense... I felt my body again, grateful for it. I could feel everything, realizing immediately that this thing we call life is the most profound and frankly mind blowing experience I have ever come across.
I realized then and there the capacity to love others is endless and ultimately we are the sum of our choices. Though we don't want fire in our life, it happens anyway. There are things beyond our control yet we are given almost infinite freedom to choose and manifest what we want from life. The thing that held me back the most was myself. I had viewed myself as worthless and undeserving. Yet this was so far from the truth. What lie had I convinced myself with that I could feel the way I did about who I was and what I was doing..
We have the capacity to change and adapt in the most beautiful way. We can choose to not hold on to emotions and experiences that ultimately make us sick. The most important values in my life were honesty and expression. It's our duty as humans to develop awareness of our choices because each and every one of them matters. From each word we speak, to each action we take. Every single one of them matters and if we realized how powerful our thoughts were, we wouldn't think a bad thing about anyone ever.
I have never come back to this experience. I tried many more times to find it again yet it's eluded me since. Even going on through my life to try other psychedelics, nothing has ever come close to how absolutely obliterated I was during my first DMT experience.
Guess I just felt like sharing this again, I love you all, whoever you are. You are the same as me and I the same as you. The best things in life are on the other side of fear. Never let anything hold you back. Be it addiction, depression, worthlessness.. loneliness. Never let these things hold you back from obtaining your truest potential. We are power, we are the light, we are infinite compassion.
Huge love to the nexus. I hope this place never dies.
One can drive himself to madness in the obsessing goal of reason, without the knowledge of love and laughter.