Thank you for the greets and welcome, all.
And thanks for your engagement and questions, Voidmatrix.
7g + Avatar must have been fantastic! Such a visually stunning movie with strong themes.
I am a big fan of doses in that range. Not needed very often at all, but extremely therapeutic with long lasting positive benefits for me when I do go there with them.
I may just take you up on the offer to message for strength training tips. Thanks so much. I struggle with consistency and sedentaryness, but have had increasing energy and concentration lately and this is something I truly do want to pursue to fill holes in my life.
Warning as I answer your questions - I am wordy.
I'll begin by sharing that I had tried ketamine recreationally on a few occasions many years ago and it was a medicine that strongly benefited and resonated with me. It was just not something I had easy access to, and I hadn't made efforts to obtain more or kept up on the latest research and off label use findings.
The day of my loss in November I knew right away I was in trouble and asked my friend to come be with me. She recognized the severity of crisis and ketamine just came to her as something that could help. She found a local clinic that had just opened earlier this year. She stayed with me for several days until I was stable & took me to/from my first two infusions.
The nurse anesthesiologist administering my infusions knew I was comfortable in altered states and I think he began my infusion dose on the higher end compared to what less experienced folks typically receive at the beginning. I had 6 infusions over a period of 12 days and the dose was increased each time. The duration was increased in my 4th-6th infusions (from 40 to 50 minutes).
Like I said, the relief was instant in 1st infusion, which was a mild experience overall - SI disappeared, social & generalized anxiety gone, the long-term depression lifted. The inner experiences during first two infusions were very relaxing. I went into my first 2 infusions in a really rough state with zero expectations of relief. I was too shocked and grief stricken to give a damn.
I have aphantasia, so there were no real visuals. Just conceptualizations of entering and existing within a spacious void where my thoughts and emotions continued but were separated enough from my awareness that I could choose whether to and how deeply to engage with them. All of my infusions induced awareness of participating in a big picture that I could clearly sense and understand from both subjective and objective places. I asked questions in regards to the state and location of the consciousness of the being I'd just lost, and while I didn't receive direct answers I can translate, I did receive comfort, acceptance, and an overall sense that everything was going to be ok.
All of the ketamine infusions ended with this deep and comforting sense of okayness and comfort in knowing that all of the confusion and complication we find ourselves in on this planet will eventually come to a peaceful and balanced end.
My 3rd infusion (and onward) went deep.
I have been studying and practicing meditation seriously for about 16 years, though my practice has waned a lot in the last 5ish years. I used to attend retreats, read & listen to lectures constantly for so many years.. I tried and worked so hard to put intellectual knowledge into actual practice, but could only catch glimpses of actual real meditative states.
My 3rd infusion though sent me into a state where all of my studies and practice attempts through the years effortlessly appeared as experience and comprehension. Awareness harnessing and breathing techniques I hadn't even thought about for years were suddenly available and I was just naturally doing them to navigate an endless and beautiful emptiness that was ironically also full of everything that has ever existed. I still had my everyday thoughts and enotions, my ego was in tact, but the ability to be completely and comfortably separate from it allowed me to conceptually travel space in all directions. Time sort of turned into shifting sand and was a useless thing to try and keep track of. I knew I was in samadhi, and it was sustained. I wasn't attached to it egoically so it was very stable. I could see the illusion in certain levels/jhanas and hold onto one pointed awareness while watching my mind still continue to have its thoughts. I sensed and merged with the presence of so many beings, known and unknown, in the vast empty space of samadhi.
In later infusions I had experiences and comprehensions in that state of samadhi that let me see a reality of karma, the complete moral neutrality of karma, of it being nothing more than a balancer, a cosmic credit that is created, just exists and changes based on action and thought like a bank account changes when we spend and deposit currency, the capacity of more enlightened beings to perceive the karma of individuals in such a simple and judgment free, matter of fact way. It is something that informed me deeply and I will continue to digest for the rest of this life.
Using mantras to anchor awareness, invoking dieties to assist with mindfulness and healing, and fully trusting - not trying to control the experiences - were all very helpful in my later infusions, especially 4-6, after the ketamine had worked on stretching out and activating my brain, settling down all of the typical ailments that get in the way, cause suffering, and activate my ego.
Many other ideas and comprehensions came to me through the infusions also and continue to integrate within me nearly a month after my last IV infusion.
Interestingly - the infusions just pushed me effortlessly into healthier habits in my day to day life. I stopped eating processed foods, can't handle too much salt or sugar anymore. Can't handle too much caffiene (used to drink 3-4 cups of strong coffee a day and now I only dare to try about one cup a week because I like the flavor and usually regret it right away). I started drinking so much water. Intermittent fasting.. it's crazy - I have done all these things in the past attempting to live healthier but had fallen back into unhealthy patterns esp during pandemic and didn't have the will on my own to make so many healthy changes at once.
I started doing more physical activity, body weight movement, yoga, hooping...
I stopped using marijuana after being a heavy user for the past several years, like morning to night (I SO did not expect or even want this side effect - it just does absolutely nothing for me anymore and the 3 times I have used marijuana since late November I've regretted it right away each time, found it irritating and in the way. I am more stable in contentment without it)
I stopped using media to numb out. Started meditating & focusing on dream yoga again.
There's even more, but this post is getting long...
I started saying yes to life again.
The prescribed compounded ketamine I have is in flavored troche form for sublingual absorption, but I quickly realized it is much more bioavailable and convenient when boofed, so I'm gonna ask for suppositories when I get a refill. I'm taking 200mg about every other day and while nowhere close to IV level experience, it gives me a mild dissociative experience for a couple of hours and resets my inner state, relieves depression and acute PTSD symptoms super fast. The CRNA who did my infusions & prescription is truly trying to help people, not in it strictly for the money, so prescribed for at home use based on how well I responded to the infusions to try and help me space boosters out as much as possible and save me some $. Gotta admit, it was a super fucking cool feeling to walk out of a pharmacy with legally obtained ketamine with my name and address on it.
I do worry about building tolerance and psychological dependency, but I have been doing better than I have in years, better than I could even imagine pre infusion series - I'd practically given up - so I am taking the wins and trying to use this medicinal assistance as best I can to improve myself.
That was very long, if you're still here reading - thanks for sticking around to hear my ketamine experience descriptions.
Now, onward to my equally wordy description of introduction(s) to DMT.
I might be considered an elder to many in these forums, but I am young at heart and in mind and I thoroughly enjoy playing PC minecraft. My (young adult) kid and I were binging on minecraft several nights a week and I started putting on Terence Mckenna lectures while we played about 6 months ago. Listening to him speak made me wonder why I had not yet had a proper introduction to DMT. I had been given some like 15 years ago but lost it.
My bff and I are enthusiastic and bold psychonauts with lots of shared experiences and decades of close friendship, so I brought up with her the idea to explore DMT and get it on our radar. We've been talking about it, researching, etc.. but we are hermit-like recluses and not as dialed in to social circles where certain molecules can be easily obtained these days. A few weeks ago she was able to obtain a vape cartridge and I just happened to be visiting her when it showed up, so we took turns and reported each others experiences back to each other.
She went first and had an extremely mild experience. Disappointing
She's under a lot of stress in life right now and has a benzo script and she also smokes a hecka lot of weed, so we figured maybe the benzos probably dampened her ability to experience much.
I went off for my turn with the vape pen, took several seemingly large pulls and held for a ridiculously long time. I did not experience breakthrough, but was given a wonderfully warm welcome and encouragement to visit again.
I sat on her bed looking out a window into the forest showing a view of large trees with bare, stretching branches. The branches began to dramatically communicate via sway and dance, the veil between realms lifting and showing me the movement of nature that always exists but remains mostly stationary in typical awareness. Light patterns and structures began to form, overlaying the forest, room I was within, and constantly shifting and building, creating.
I lay back on the bed and just observed the OEV, then closed my eyes and was greeted by a giant benevolent frog-like entity. I opened my eyes and it was still there, apparently very warm and pleased that I could perceive it, strong welcome vibes. Laying down and relaxing into the experience, I felt a pressure on my chest and back, squeezing like an invisible but strong hug. The OEVs & CEVs were moderate, and other presences started to sort of show off, demonstrating how they could create with strings of light in this space between realms, manifesting into hand-like apparitions and waving me inward to their space, wanting me to enter and to show me what is possible, what they are able to create there. The frog-like greeter stayed present the whole time, visually and energetically, until the effects wore off and I excitedly went to report my experience to my friend.
It was a mild intro, but very positive and I felt truly welcomed. We had other things to do so I didn't try again, but was given a very memorable and gentle introduction.
My friend has spent time with the vape pen since but similarly just extremely mild experiences. We decided the vape concentrate is nice, but not the experience we are seeking and so here I am at the nexus to learn.
I had a chance to try DMT again in stronger form at another friends house last week. I had taken a drop of some lovely LSD 7 hours earlier and the DMT form was much more potent - resulting in a very strong experience, but again no breakthrough. Extremely vivid, obvious, strong experience of being offered lessons in astral projection and dream yoga. I actually think that I could have had a breakthrough and received this lesson in full, but did not feel totally at ease in the space and with the company I was in, so I anchored consciousness and held myself back and boy did some entities decide to have fun with me as a result of that decision. Total Loki vibes and manifestations for 3 hours straight. The frog-like greeter entity reappeared several times and I am looking forward to meeting them more officially in the near future when better prepared, in proper and clear space and company with greater ability to surrender and receive.