Greetings my fellow travelers of the groovy light. Just wanted to stop by and share what happened on new years eve.
I had home brewed a concoction of Acacia Root Bark and Cappi vine. This was my second time sitting with it. My girlfriend joined me for the evening, choosing to eat mushrooms.
Prayers were said. Space was cleared. Preparation... Sanskrit Mantras on the speakers...we're good to go...
The medicine took a rather long while to make itself known. I drank what, according to my measurements, was 3/4 of a full dose.
Now, earlier in the day... I made a mistake... I had a cup of coffee... What a fool.
You see... I have a heart condition. I was born with pulmonary stenosis. Thank goodness, the doctors were able to save my little 2 day old life. I had open heart surgery at 2 days old. It was a 50/50 shot whether I'd make it. I did. Here I am, able to play sports, have sex, smoke cannabis, play music, and exert my body.
I've been sitting with ayahuasca for about 10 years and exploring psychedelics for even longer, and, thank goodness, have (almost) never had a negative or concerning reaction in terms of my heart.
The only time, prior to this new years evening, that I had a concerning reaction, was on another new years eve sit many years ago. I had drunk some tea directly before ceremony, thinking it was herbal tea. It was caffeinated.
My heart experienced some bizarre palpitations throughout the night, I felt like I was reliving my open heart surgery as a newborn, and there was a very clear portal of death and angels present in the room. It was terrifying.
Well, in my idiocy, I assumed a cup of coffee 12 hours prior to drinking wouldn't be a problem. Wrong!
So, back to THIS new years eve. The medicine takes it time, and about 90 minutes into the sit, the effects begin to take hold. Familiar spaces. Geometries. Warmth.
I purge once... take it to the toilet...
Purge again... take it to the toilet...
The medicine is strong, but nothing abnormal or alarming...
I then purge thrice, and this particular purge had a rather dark, ominous vibe to it. The thought was, get this out of the room immediately, which I did.
As I am clearing the purge into the toilet, the thought of a dear friend who passed away from crohn's disease during Hannukah about 4 years ago comes up.
Just feeling her spirit and praying for her.
Then, all of a sudden, my physiology drastically transforms. My heart is beating VERY strongly... the intensity of the body... i'm flush... losing focus... My blood pressure must have been not in a good way... Feeling imbalances. My vision is blurry.
and it felt like a true death portal was open, as if it were a real possibility, as if, if I wasn't careful, if I were to panic or to push my heart over the edge, there was the very real possibility of tipping over into a life threatening emergency.
My entire being was screaming "VITAL THREAT"
"I'm alive... I'm alive" I keep saying to myself...
"I've got more to do... I'm not dying tonight"
Now, I've had death experiences before and they were beautiful, transformative, amazing... but they have never been accompanied by such an intense and throttling physical state.
This was different. My body was not in a good way. My heart was not in a good way.
I finally find my way back to our candle lit living room where all the journeying is happening.
Find my resting spot and lie down and just begin praying, calling on all the cosmic homies for support and help.
It really, truly felt like an authentic death portal was open and looming. We had one central candle burning on the altar and that was my lifeline.
There was one moment where, for lack of a better word, a tunnel to heaven opened up, all decked out with angels, lights, clouds, all the good stuff, and I was like NO WAY BABY. I am sticking around!
The central candle suddenly represented my life. Teachings on how close I've come to death as a baby through my heart condition hit me hard. How precious life is. How important it is to protect and honor this flame of life.
A series of fascinating passages through dynamics of vital threat began to unfold.
In one moment, I am an old, decrepit, sick man who is confused and only understands that he is dying.
In another moment, I am an individual in a Nazi concentration camp, aware of my inevitable and looming death.
In another moment, I am engulfed in the flames that destroyed so much of California this past year, feeling the terror of the animals, this horrible feeling of VITAL THREAT moving through my whole body.
Walking through the valley of the shadow of death...
the central candle on the alter is beginning to burn down, so I light one other and hold it close to my heart, as if I am holding vigil for my very life, calling in protection for my heart and my being.
I sit in focused, prayerful presence with that candle for a loooong while, breathing, calming, letting my body find peace.
Gradually, my heart finds a calm, steady rhythm, and things settle down.
And I'm here today to tell you, I will NEVER have caffeine in my body when drinking medicine ever again!
Thanks for reading brothers and sisters! One Love!