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Jarder
#21 Posted : 3/14/2019 3:59:39 PM

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I found one group for depressed people. I just came from there. It wasn't too good.. I get so dirty thoughts all the time, so I keep thinking constantly sorry as well.. I felt anyway that I'm accepted so I guess I'll go again when I'm around.
Maybe I should consider NA-groups as well. I guess there people would be even less judgmental Smile.

I feel physically very tired all the time but I've been walking and yesterday I went bouldering. It was also quite bad to be around people. I really hope that these thoughts would disappear.. I don't know what could help..

It's not like I would imagine unreal stuff but I get these mean thoughts about people, like ugly, or fat and worst is a whore and I think my gestures also give these away.. I don't feel like saying it and I've learned a bit to think "not true" the same time.. Sometimes it goes a while and then I remember I haven't had those and then it's on again.. So if I'm somewhere I just have to make some kind of bubble for myself where nothing gets out..

I used to be a saint towards other people Crying or very sad , I still want good for everyone but my mind is split. I still say and do stuff like before when I have a chance but there is this darkness in my thoughts..

Now I'm going to attend a Kundalini yoga class. I have considered to start it seriously to see if it would heal me.. I also thought joining a zen school but I can't do everything the same time..
 

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DmnStr8
#22 Posted : 3/14/2019 4:23:27 PM

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Jarder wrote:
I found one group for depressed people. I just came from there. It wasn't too good.. I get so dirty thoughts all the time, so I keep thinking constantly sorry as well.. I felt anyway that I'm accepted so I guess I'll go again when I'm around.
Maybe I should consider NA-groups as well. I guess there people would be even less judgmental Smile.

I feel physically very tired all the time but I've been walking and yesterday I went bouldering. It was also quite bad to be around people. I really hope that these thoughts would disappear.. I don't know what could help..

It's not like I would imagine unreal stuff but I get these mean thoughts about people, like ugly, or fat and worst is a whore and I think my gestures also give these away.. I don't feel like saying it and I've learned a bit to think "not true" the same time.. Sometimes it goes a while and then I remember I haven't had those and then it's on again.. So if I'm somewhere I just have to make some kind of bubble for myself where nothing gets out..

I used to be a saint towards other people Crying or very sad , I still want good for everyone but my mind is split. I still say and do stuff like before when I have a chance but there is this darkness in my thoughts..

Now I'm going to attend a Kundalini yoga class. I have considered to start it seriously to see if it would heal me.. I also thought joining a zen school but I can't do everything the same time..


Don't run away, turn away or otherwise ignore this darkness. It can teach you so much! This darkness is something that is pushing you towards what you are seeking. You may find that being a saint isn't all it's cracked up to be. Love and light is all fine and dandy, however, it is only half of the whole. I have much to say about this topic of darkness...





Trevor Ilesley is a good teacher to refer to when dealing with darkness. I feel like he does a good job in explaining the purpose of darkness. Check him out sometime. I think you may find his viewpoint rather refreshing considering all of what you have said.

If you're going through hell, keep going!
"In the universe there is an immeasurable, indescribable force which shamans call intent, and absolutely everything that exists in the entire cosmos is attached to intent by a connecting link." ~Carlos Castaneda
 
JÆHKŒB
#23 Posted : 3/19/2019 10:53:23 AM
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I haven't read all the replies, and I do apologize for that... although it sounds to me like you have energetically injured yourself based on what you have described in your post.

Everything is energy and we are energetic beings, and as such even visualizations can have profound effects on your life... this is what guided meditations try to accomplish in one way or another.

I was once playing around with some orgone and a black obsidian arrow head and ended up with what seemed like a hole in my chest near my heart and an infection on my face... this came about through quantum entanglement and it seems you have something similar.

My head was also damaged energetically due to what I consider to be some seriously deranged behavior against me: they call it mining, and farming, and using people... basically a method of psychically attacking someone to try and drive them insane whilst stealing their life force and damaging their light/energy body to basically try and put an end to them in one way or another... not something easy to describe, although you don't want to be on the receiving end of such lunacy.

The solution that I am working on which has had and is having great effect is first and foremost: ORGANIC FRESH FRUIT Smile Bananas are great for this, as are all fruits... just buy and eat fresh organic fruit when hungry and try to rest for an hour or so after each meal so the energy has a chance to heal and repair what is broken... this is essentially the sun's stored energy within the fruit helping repair your energy body. After all, the sun is the source of life here on Earth and only wants the best for us... and fresh organic fruit which is ripe is best for us!

I had to also partake in an iboga session as I had to clean some of my brain receptors due to my previous drug addiction many years ago that left me a bit worn in that department, and I was looking for a way to clean that area thoroughly... iboga has already helped immensely, although that is only the case because of my organic fruit uptake to help with the process.

Hope that helps.

All the best!

 
Jarder
#24 Posted : 3/20/2019 1:35:12 PM

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I can't really find any sense from within.. Anxiety just keeps going.. I can't stay alone or still since it gets hard to breathe and my whole body feels weak.. I can stay at my parents which is better than alone, but they live far away from my town and there's nothing to put myself into, like any groups etc.. Also they have a bit different views on life and now I feel so powerless so I just take everything they can give so it is quite different from what I was growing into. If I stay at my flat it is just horrible, but there is nearby at least some activities I can attend but it's not much.

Maybe I should just try to stay alone and let the anxiety take over but don't know how. Before I know I'm again planning some big healing trip to India or any other sort of escape.. I don't have too much time left to stay away from work either.. It feels also really difficult to go back there but on the other hand I will get some stuff to do if I just manage to be there somehow..

This forum is pure gold btw Smile. I'm really grateful for all the support I've got. I will also add more fruits to my diet.

I've listened much Trevor Ilesley now and as much as I would like to feel what he is saying I can't really connect.

I don't know where I would get the power to motivate myself, I just try to trust it gets better.
 
JKW
#25 Posted : 3/20/2019 2:34:00 PM

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Hi Jarder,

I suffer from depression as well. Last year I had a relapse that kept me in bed for two months, just wanting to off myself. Avoiding food and water.

My wife, medication, and psychedelics saved me.

Sorry, but I haven't read al the replies. I'll go straight to my point.
Do you have a psychiatrist? Are you taking any medication? If not, you should go to one, and you should be prescribed medication. If so, the meds don't seem to work, and you should be prescribed something different, or perhaps a cocktail of meds. Psychiatry is all about trial and error. If something is not working, you try something else.

In addition. Therapy helps as well, but you need medication to stabilize.

I really empathize. I've been where you are. It took a lot to get out, but it is possible.

All the best



 
Jarder
#26 Posted : 3/24/2019 7:12:52 AM

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I still have to wait for meeting a psychiatrist cause the lines are huge..

I'm very hopeless. I would like to try different kind of retreats now but I would have to leave my work to be able to do it. It wouldn't be a problem if I could be sure that my head would be okay working again. I could apply for a nurse for example. But now I just have to hang and see how it is moving.

https://www.yogameditation.com/retreats/ this center seems very promising and I still have some savings but if I wouldn't be okay after that I would have nothing. I'm dreaming even about the 3-month sadhana retreat but I would first try maybe 14 days.

Maybe it is smartest to hang on to my job and try different medication cocktails..
I don't know how long I can take this though..
 
Jarder
#27 Posted : 3/27/2019 2:39:16 PM

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I now came to a psychiatric department, I almost left away as soon as I came but they convinced me to stay at least till tomorrow. Risperidon was changed today for a aripiprazole. Don't know though how long it takes to start affect but it sounds better.

Quite often I again think about ending my life but I haven't been able to do it since my parents have had to already bury one of their sons before I was born and I would love to support them when that time comes. Don't know if it's worth though to make them see me suffering. It's not healthy to keep suicidal thoughts in my mind but I am just so hopeless all the time. It's very hard to change it. I'm getting a dog soon and my parents promised to take it if I can't take care of it, should be bit cheery.
 
brewster
#28 Posted : 3/27/2019 9:06:38 PM

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Keep fighting! These things can be overcome. It will take time and work, and there will always be dark episodes. My family has a long history of severe depression, and this was an issue for me for many years. Especially my 20s were very tough sometimes.
But with meditation and 2-3 good therapists, and a lot of watching myself react to things, I managed to work on this continually, and now, the instances when I get into really dark moods have become very rare. And even if, I know that it won't last for too long. This doesn't happen over night, but it will gradually improve for almost all people!
It's a good idea to hang on to your job as long as possible. If it really can't be done anymore, so be it. But maybe that time hasn't come yet - and in most cases, it is helpful to have something to do and somewhere to go.
Oh... my dog helped me as much as the best therapists. My very best wishes - You'll get this done.
 
woogyboogy
#29 Posted : 3/28/2019 1:55:40 AM

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Hey Jarder,

sorry to hear what your going through, life can get rough sometimes...

I also want to say, that there is value in the darkness...

Usually there is a reason for someone to feel depressed and disconnected. Not because of life circumstances, but because theres something inside, that wants to be addressed. There is incredible self healing power present in the body. I have found the best way to access that power, is to get out of the way as much as possible, rather then adding more and more techniques, methods or thought constructs to the mix. Also I have found contact in a safe space with people of self understanding and compassion can be incredibly beneficial. Sharing and being in physical contact/being held in a safe space. There are places where that can be found... If nothing else, find a therapist that knows how to get you in touch with that sadness, and lets you cry in their lap. Its one of the most freeing things a grown adult can experience(especially as a male). Its incredibly difficult to give advice on a chat based forum though...

Best of luck!
 
Jarder
#30 Posted : 7/31/2020 11:32:53 PM

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Hiya Smile it's been a while but I wanted to Come and tell you I got over that phase. Ssri meds first took away the urge to kill myself and then I met the girl I'm now living with. I got Off all the medicines, moved to a new town, started to study for a new occupation I feel proud of and seem to enjoy and what Else Very happy. Got back to martial arts, have stayed with yoga and meditation, enjoy time with my doggy and also waiting for a firstborn❣️

It still isn't just celebration all the time but I really appreciate where I am now. This thread was really big part of getting through everything's, so I thank you all. It was great to be heard and felt.

I have again smoked a bit and took mushrooms few times, last fall they still felt weird but this year I've been sober except one great shroom trip alone in a forest cottage. It was also so empowering to be okay with them again and not feeling weird at all.

I wish all the Best for everyone 🤗
 
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