“The Game”

Okay, so I tried DMT for the first time two weeks ago. It was not what I expected - no carrier wave, no fractals, no alien landscape, no visible entities and no feeling like I was dying. There was however an incredible sense of familiarity with past ketamine experiences and it was pretty fucked up.

A bit about me: I have a condition called aphantasia (the inability to conjure images with the eyes closed) which I have always had. I had around 8 years worth of experience with psychedelics in my youth, mostly involving ketamine, but I haven’t done any in about 14 years. I was raised in an atheist household, but had exposure to a range of religions. I have spent decades learning about various systems of philosophy, esotericism and occultism. I would call myself a “radical sceptic” with a heavy leaning towards a theistic form of gnostic pantheism.

Pre-flight: To prepare my self I cleaned my trip space, had a shower and put on fresh clean clothes - consider it a ritual of cleansing, reverence and preparation. I had arranged for my partner to trip sit and agreed that she could film me. I wanted to make the undertaking during the day, to give myself time to process the experience, unfortunately this meant we only had a short window between her finishing work and kids coming back from school.

Sitting down in my prepared space I began to try to measure out a 30mg dose on my electric scale. At first the scale didn’t register anything and I had to fiddle around a lot to measure it, lifting the bowl off and on to get a reading as I added spice. I then loaded up the e-mesh and tried to pre-melt it... nothing. The heating unit had come a little unscrewed from the battery, so I had to dump everything off the mesh and fix it before reloading. This time the spice melted into a nice puddle and I placed the mouthpiece over it. Throughout the process I’d had to repeatedly go for a pee - I likely have “ketamine bladder syndrome”, unaided by strong coffee and nerves. After a final tinkle, I sat down and looked at the clock. No way was I going to be back to normal by the time my son got home now, but I wasn’t going to be put off - I’d delayed the experience several times already - so I arranged with my partner to deal with it when he arrived. It was time to do this. I did some yogic breathing, fully exhaling with sharp puffs out followed by slow diaphragm inhales. I thought I was ready.

The trip: I put the mouthpiece to my lips and inhaled as I pressed the button. I cleared the substance easily and it hardly felt harsh at all (the direct e-mesh method is even easier than I expected). Immediately I placed the vaporiser down on the table and my vision began to “vibrate” as I felt myself detaching from reality, and time and space began to melt. I lay back in my seat as I felt it rushing on, that weightless and excited feeling in your stomach you get just before the rollercoaster goes racing down the track. “Here we go then, there ain’t no turning back now.” It felt like only seconds, but I’d held my breath in for 30. In this suspended state it occurred to me “you’re supposed to breath out you know”. I breathed out slowly.

I sat there breathing deeply. Part of me was resisting, my conscious mind having to fight it to move forward. My thoughts bouncing back and forth in an increasingly tinny vibrating voice “you don’t want this”, “yes I do”, “no you don’t”, “yes I do”. 1 minute in. I put my palms together in front of me as if in prayer and raised them like this to my face. “Yes I do, yes I do, yes I do!”... Reality was folding in on itself, concertinaing in towards me in ever lighter panes. “Yes I do!”... then everything melted into a red and orange space of information, moving like a liquid machine.

I knew this place, I’d been here before, like a half remembered snapshot from a k-hole. This was not a good place. I knew what this was about. This was “The Game”.

“Surrender to me” came the request as a thought, from something vast, hungry and leering, which I perceived as ‘evil’.

I resisted. I knew what it wanted - my soul. “No. What the fuck have I done, is this all it was.”

“You’re mine now” it mocked.

“No I’m not” I could see it all, understand it all, “The Game”. The vast fucking cosmic game, like a bad joke.

“You’ve smoked it, now your soul is mine”

“No it’s not. I didn’t know what this was, you have no right over me” I began humming, hands locked in my lap.

“Yes I do. You’ve done these things before. You belong to me”

“No I don’t. None of that matters. All that matters is is being good, doing good”

“You don’t know what’s good or bad, you can’t tell the difference. You don’t know if I’m the devil or god”

I know this puzzle, this eternal trap, I understand “The Game”, god, the devil, the demiurge, the liberator - “That doesn’t matter, what matters is that you try” 3:30 in, I take a deep breath with my mouth and open my eyes for a moment, before closing them again.

“I can teach you everything”

“I don’t need that. All I need is the love of my family and to love them back” 4min in, I open my eyes and move my hands in a symmetrical pattern, something I knew instinctively to do, a ward, a protection. Then I close my eyes again. “The Game” dances before me.

“I can show you what you want to know, what to paint” this is something I had gone in wanting - inspiration for my paintings.

“I don’t need or want that, it’s the struggle that makes it worthwhile”.

My mind is filled with many thoughts of the context of this experience, the clues throughout esoteric wisdom of the existence of this substance. Is this really what it was all about. Is this really all there is to it?

I realise I should probably talk to my partner, let her know what’s going on, record something of this. I open my eyes and say her name. She responds “yes ‘gandalf’”

“How long has this been going on for?” I ask. I’m not really asking how long the experience has been, my thoughts are on how long “the game” has been going on, as I do more hand manoeuvres which help to ground me.

“About 5 minutes, why?” She responds.

“Because this is very, very, very fucked” long pause “up.” In the moment I’m amazed by the level of clarity of my thoughts throughout and the level of emotional control I’ve felt.

“It’s fine Gandalf, I’m here” she says. The objects in front of me are not stimulating particularly noticeable hallucinations, but the presence is still there and when I close my eyes I see “the game” as a static geometric pattern, like decks of cards covered in symbols fanned out.

I’m bored with the experience, of having to resist this presence. I ask my partner about how long I’ve got left, and we begin to converse. I look at her, her face a mutated splodge. I look away immediately, I don’t want to see her like this. The picture on the wall has been transformed too, into a dmt world version of itself, but everything else about the room is normal.

The psychedelic effects slowly recede, lasting a little over 15 minutes, I remained calm throughout.

Overall my impression from the experience was disappointment. It very much felt like surrendering was about giving up my soul to this thing, not really like dying. One of the things I said to my partner was that it felt like “signing your name in the book of the devil”. Ask a priest though and they’ll tell you - it doesn’t matter how fucking good you are, if you want to get into heaven you have to surrender to gods will and give your soul to him - and yeah, they sign your name in his book too, go figure. Sounds like a cheap fucking trick to me, which is what the experience felt like too.

Certainly it did give me a reminder of the things that mattered to me in my responses to what was happening. I was however left with questions rather than answers about what the fuck lies beyond.

Maybe I’m just too much of an anarchist and a skeptic for this shit. I really wasn’t ready for how much control I would have - nothing like ketamine in that regard.

As the weeks passed by and the memories faded, my opinions of the experience softened. Reviewing it and writing this brought it all back though.

“Fuck knows”, but I really would like to hear your thoughts - and please ask any questions you want (the worst that can happen is that I’ll reply)

EDIT: see below for an UPDATE and ADDITIONAL INFORMATION about my trip.

Mods: I would have posted this in first steps, but I can’t post a topic there. Transfer if you think it’s appropriate.

The discussion whether hyperspace is "evil or good" vibrates through the nexus from time to time. If one had an experiences like yours - and everyone who tried dmt knows about how "real" any of that feels - there is no more question about that.

For me, hyperspace and 3d are connected somehow, also in the massive amount of illusions. In 3d, there wages a silent war for our subconcious, mainly to make us mindless consumers and docile followers of "politics". The deeper you dig the more dirt comes up. If you look into Hollywood, and I mean behind curtains of "glamour" you will see it for what it really is: A giant brainwashing business.

Look at Harry Potter for example: The image of "love" that is portrayed there is nothing more than needy attachment. Kids are prepared for substance abuse too: What helps as antidote after a dementor attack? Chocolate, which is just a mass of fat and refined sugar with an abuse potential more serious than cocaine.
After Ron is freed from the love potion, Slughorn opens a "very special" bottle of some alcoholic substance. Alcohol is a very potent, polytoxic nerve poison... but, and this is the brainwashing, media is portraying it as something palatable. And these images go into your subconcious, until one gets hooked on them by "trying them just once", because, what could go wrong by doing it just once? That is the way every addict got hooked in.
I really recommend reading any of the Allen Carr Books on how to easyly lose an addiction. He got the grip on that and is fun to read.

So, after reading through many accounts and having some fucked up experiences myself, I see hyperspace as a grand illusion, nothing appears to be what it really is.
But not many think like this. Just like with the facts about sugar and alcohol. And guess why...

Congratulations on being so adamant in that experience by the way. Just with drug abuse your soul can go to the devil just if you buy into his illusions. But illusions can be lost in an instant, if you see the facts. We are eternal beings, that somehow fell under the illusion, that we are mortal, weak and dependent. All the contrary is true. Just like with the common picture of drug addiction.

332211, thank you for reading that and your response - it certainly resonated with me in many ways.

Back in my youth when I was doing psychedelics, I was deeply involved in the London squatting/free-part scene and I used to take part in the huge anti-capitalism protests (these days kids are too caught up in the social media bullshit, otherwise there’re dealing with the more pressing concern of our imminent extinction - this was part of the message of the old anti-capitalist marches, especially “reclaim the streets”). I was very aware of that sense of brainwashing of the masses. The guerrilla art movement that came out of that scene, as graffiti and art students collided in warehouse raves, was very much about fighting against that (and yes, BANKSY was very much part of that scene). It still very much informs my art practice.

I think you might be being a little harsh on J K Rowling. I remember when the books first came out, I was rather offended by them and deliberately avoided them - reducing the “philosophers stone” to some dumb McGuffin, ffs! Having watched the films with my kids I have a much more favourable view of them now. The thing with the chocolate was a clear reference to how it’s recommended to give chocolate to people in shock. I think at worst the work was just naive. You should try reading her book “a casual vacancy”, it’s a fantastic study on the human condition and a good parable on how we shouldn’t judge people we don’t really know.

“ I see hyperspace as a grand illusion, nothing appears to be what it really is. “
“ Just with drug abuse your soul can go to the devil just if you buy into his illusions. But illusions can be lost in an instant, if you see the facts. “

This really hits home, describing how I felt about it. At one point in the latter portion of the trip, I said out loud “it’s just pretty pictures”, feeling like it was trying to trick me with it’s illusions.

I really appreciate you communicating with me, I’m pretty much on my own with this shit - my partner has never done psychedelics and I had to walk away from the community I was part of - mainly because of everybody, myself included, was getting hooked on crack, and I unexpectedly was expecting a baby.

Peace and love brother, you sound like a cool guy.

Roman Catholic Philosopher.
You get out of it what you need...

One of my lessons was similar.


--Note, I think there is validity that this your atman giving you lessons you ignore from your inner self, so when you open up a path to it... it can trick you so you do what it needs you to do. Meaning this could very likely all be in your head.


My last changa:

"Why don't you come see me as much anymore?"
- "Because this life matters more, I need to concentrate on this side for a while".
"You finally get it".


I will say Changa and Ayahuasca have never left me feeling "unprotected". I've talked one of many mothers for 6ish hours about God. Because everything seemed very clear to me after I talked to multiple administrators in the local archdiocese and my family priest. Everything lined up. If not with the catechism some of it was with Aquinas or Avicenna.

"Man spewing nonsense is why more of man doesn't seek these things, call people out when they make statements they possibly can't know. If there is a greater being you will find it through honesty".

All paraphrased.. but in the end it threw me into Greek philosophy. There is a concept that God is the perfect form of logic/truth. So between the two I consider myself a philosopher than a true catholic anymore.

If any of my visions are accurate then we have less to fear from external judgement and more to fear from failing ourselves. It taught me valuable lessons.. life is suffering, be kind and that some people need chaos in their lives.

UPDATE: Last night I went to bed late after writing this and woke up from a dream I had two hours later. It was a “DMT dream”. I say this because waking up my breathing was vibrating and tinny, just like when I was coming up on DMT, and the strong sense that it WAS DMT. This is the third “DMT dream” I’ve had in as many weeks. The first was the night of the day I took DMT, the second was somewhere in between, and the latest came after recovering my memories of the trip by writing the above. I have a VERY strong suspicion that these may have been endogenous DMT releases!!!

The Dream: With other people I was attacking this place, people and buildings that in the dream logic were “the Freemasons” (something that I strongly associate with the DMT experience, my concern wether it’s good or bad and my inability to know). I had a machine gun, I didn’t want to hurt anyone but I was scared and I didn’t want those with me to get hurt, so I laid down some cover fire as protection. That’s when “she” came to me - “tall”, beautiful and luminous, both clothed and naked, like an angel I thought. She led me away from the battle. I wanted to worship her, adore her, love her, I did. Someone from the “other side” of the battle approached with a gun, she “told” me to put my gun down, I did. A second person from “their side” approached, she did a Kung-fu move, wrapping her legs around the first persons neck and threw them to the floor. “She” had protected me, they revered her like I did, she had made me not a threat. She led me further away, we hid under a bush and lay together spooning. We wanted to make love to each other there, it was sexual but not pumping in and out, just caressing and beautiful without any judgement of performance. We were off again, she wanted to take us somewhere safe. We entered a “swamp” (imagine dagobah from Star Wars). She took me to a cave made entirely out of skulls and we entered. At the back of the cave was a single skull, a gateway to somewhere else. She wanted me to approach it because if she did then “they” wouldn’t let us through. I was concerned and apprehensive, I didn’t know if this was a gateway to hell or something else. She pushed my face right up close to the skull... and then I woke up. The air vibrated tinnily as I breathed, my mind felt like it was in the afterglow of a dmt experience and there was a word/name in my thoughts “azimuth/azamuth”.

I went and looked up the word on the internet, in the middle of the night. As soon as I did, I realised that this name/word had come to me in one of my previous “dmt dreams” and I’d looked it up then too. An “azimuth” is an astronomical term for the angle from an observer to a celestial object. It comes from Arabic and means “the direction”. I absolutely certainly had never heard this word before the dreams.

After my dmt experience I wasn’t simply worried that it was “evil” - I was perhaps more concerned that my lack of a “belief” prevented me from being guided through the experience, that my atheist upbringing and skeptical mind was holding me back from surrendering to a higher power when I should have.


MORE INFORMATION: after getting some more sleep I woke up with an even clearer memory of my DMT experience. When my mind was going back and forth, trying to push through, it was more like “this is good”/“this is bad”. When I put my hands together and pushed through it was like I had solved this equation, which was the key, the answer was “this is good, this is evil, it is the same, everything is one”. Once I thought that “BOOM” I was through to the next stage.

In that next space that message was part of it. “It” was telling me, good/evil you can’t tell the difference, I’m like baphomet and ying/yang. I resisted it because I didn’t want to give up my soul to something that I didn’t know wether it was good or bad, yet I “knew” what good was - it was love and kindness, that much seemed simple and obvious - and nothing it could offer me was worth giving up my soul for.

Thank you

Thank you so much Fate, I found that very helpful. Christian, Hindu and Greek philosophy are things that play strongly in my thoughts.


To respond to your opening quote, I feel the need to respond with a quote from the Rolling Stones:

“You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes, well, you just might find
You get what you need”

I can empathise with this sentiment a lot, and was very aware of it from my research into psychedelics before this experience. Certainly my experience left me with a renewed sense of purpose in my life for the things that really matter and if it was trying to help me in that way it certainly felt like a trick.

It was very helpful of you to mentioned Atman. I didn’t mention it above, but in the first phase when I was first reconciling the idea of good and bad, and reality was folding in on me, at the end of the cascade I saw a seated figure that I thought could be me but also seemed like a higher thing too. It makes a LOT of sense to me that this might be my Atman. It is very true of me that I struggle to reconcile the bad in myself. It is not that I entirely deny my flaws, but that I seek always to conquer it, to overcome it with goodness. I do not know how I can reconcile this, I do not know how to accept this without wanting to destroy it.

This very much was what was being said to me, this was “The Game”. In the abstract I can understand the unity of good and bad in the universal “one”; Brahman, shiva/shakti, yhwh, baphomet, but in practice I resisted accepting it. It’s funny, it told me “you’re clever, you can figure it out”, I thought it was just trying to trick me by playing to my ego. Shit I’d already done it once to progress there in the first place!

I didn’t feel “unprotected” there though. On my own with it, certainly, but it always felt like a choice, that I had strength, power and control.

The big question I have left is about surrendering yourself to this higher power - to have such trust in something you cannot really know or understand and submit to it - this is such an alien thing to me, my narrative has always been about resistance and “fighting the power”. I guess I have much to learn.

I was not prepared for this to be such a “test”, I guess the most worthwhile things in life are hard though.

Thank you so much Fate! Your words have helped me a LOT! If I had some blessing to give, I would, but you have my true gratitude.

Nice trip report. I can definitely relate to this type of 'game' experience you are describing. Overall these trips tend to be less visual as you've noted as well. They also tend to have the feeling of being in the presence of some pissed off (at you) powerful other dimensional sort of entity. The content of the thoughts tends to revolve around issues that cause existential dread. The last two times I've had this experience I had also combined dmt with ketamine and other nitrous oxide so not sure if dissociative tend to push the trip in that direction. Othertimes with nitrous oxide and dmt is all laughs and fun. I think I've had these experiences on dmt alone and flavors of such cosmic tricks on other psychedelics as well although its hard to remember. There does seem to be something more insidious about the ones that happen with dmt though.

Edit: Would you consider / have you done dmt again?