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kdawgcal
#1 Posted : 9/22/2019 5:28:49 AM
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Hey everyone,

It's been a while since I've posted here. I kind of took time off of psychedelics and tried to get things in order in my life.

What got me into psychedelics was a last attempt to getting rid of my PTSD and panic attacks back in May. Just a few days prior to my first trip, I was contemplating suicide.

The mental health issues have cost me a lot in life. Lost my job, and everything has become a financial mess. So I was desperate to try anything to get my life back in order.

I had my first mushroom trip back in May, and did two grams. It was an amazing and enlightening experience for me! I remember that so many thoughts were coming my way, and at one point I started to meditate in a dark room.

During the meditation, I reached a point where I couldn't feel my body. It's like I was nothing, and it was such a great feeling at the same time.

The next day, I felt amazing. Like I was on cloud 9. A whole new person. I had so much energy (my fatigue was gone), and I was happy for once in my life! Things just seemed like they were going really well.

I just wish that this would stay...

Since then, I tried doing shrooms a few times. My tips were ridden full of anxiety and fear. One of them wasn't as bad, but I ended up on the washroom floor and crying.

Now, things in my life seem to be going back down that dark path.

I haven't been able to concentrate on anything, and have been severely fatigued. I'm in school part time, and find that I'm having difficulties with doing homework. I will be just sitting there, and looking at my book. Trying to process the question, but can't seem to get myself to do anything.

The doctor diagnosed me with having ADD, and prescribed Vyvanse for me. This worked for the first day, but as I took it it became less effective. Not even a week into it, I'm no longer feeling it.

Because of the sudden crashes of Vyvanse, I'm back in a state of depression. Things really suck.

I'm really wanting to do another few grams of shrooms again, but I don't know. I'm scared because of my last few trips, and really not sure what I should do at this point anymore.

What I would love is to get back to that point when I had my first trip. Just not sure how to make that happen....
 

Good quality Syrian rue (Peganum harmala) for an incredible price!
 
xss27
#2 Posted : 9/22/2019 11:39:14 AM

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Maybe that first trip was a gift of reprieve from your usual mental focus (a state of pain), like the sun bursting through an overcast sky? That maybe underneath the stormy surface of your mind you are more than capable of being that happy state; I think the mistake is thinking you need to take more of an external aid to get what is underneath already. Take that first trip as a gift of inspiration from the mushroom - it showed you something out of care, but it can't do the work for you;

Know it's maybe not what you want to hear but facing the clouds head on, examining them with determination of self-love, will help them dissipate slowly over time. The mental patterns that hold them in place can be dissolved with enough patience.

 
Algodritmo
#3 Posted : 9/22/2019 8:33:28 PM

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I have a broader hypothesis, that I'll detail later, but I suggest you try this natural herbs, that are relatively cheap and with no major side effects:

Ashwagandha
Phosphatidyl Serine
Schisandra
Mucuna pruriens
Astragalus
Ginkgo Biloba
Forskolin
Let's be honest: the Questionnaire is toooooo long and deep!

"One has a moral responsibility to disobey unjust laws" - Martin Luther King
 
kdawgcal
#4 Posted : 9/24/2019 1:19:09 AM
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Thank you for this. I am definitely going to be looking into all of these things. I also decided that I'll be doing a couple grams again to give my brain a reboot.

Thinking that if I go into it with the intention of "this is your medicine, this will help you, you know this will help you", I may have some positive results again.

If I start having a bad trip (too many thoughts), prepare myself to do physical exercises (with a virtual reality headset).

When I first tripped, I took it very seriously. I fasted for two days and kept on telling myself that I would be healing myself.

Have also been researching some more and found that people who used psilocybin to treat depression, noticed it lasted roughly five weeks. I don't mind if I have to do this every five weeks, but I need to get into the right mindset and think "this is medicine, and will help"

Algodritmo wrote:
I have a broader hypothesis, that I'll detail later, but I suggest you try this natural herbs, that are relatively cheap and with no major side effects:

Ashwagandha
Phosphatidyl Serine
Schisandra
Mucuna pruriens
Astragalus
Ginkgo Biloba
Forskolin

 
kdawgcal
#5 Posted : 9/24/2019 1:22:27 AM
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I definitely processed A LOT when I was on shrooms. I made crying on the bathroom floor sound bad. But it was actually relieving! I felt so good after letting out certain emotions.

Going to be trying shrooms again, but preparing myself for it and treat it as medicine.

When I felt great after the first trip, I thought that those symptoms would last for good! After doing research, I found that people who have depression have this feeling for roughly five weeks.

Well, that's not bad. If I can trip once every five weeks to maintain that feeling and state of mind, I will!

xss27 wrote:
Maybe that first trip was a gift of reprieve from your usual mental focus (a state of pain), like the sun bursting through an overcast sky? That maybe underneath the stormy surface of your mind you are more than capable of being that happy state; I think the mistake is thinking you need to take more of an external aid to get what is underneath already. Take that first trip as a gift of inspiration from the mushroom - it showed you something out of care, but it can't do the work for you;

Know it's maybe not what you want to hear but facing the clouds head on, examining them with determination of self-love, will help them dissipate slowly over time. The mental patterns that hold them in place can be dissolved with enough patience.


 
downwardsfromzero
#6 Posted : 9/24/2019 6:36:38 PM

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There's a lot to be said for crying your eyes/heart out on shrooms. As I see it, it helps release stagnant thought patterns that are intimately linked with the depressive state. And it's only thought patterns that really inhibit so many of us - myself included - from being so much more than we've learnt to be.

By way of example (and I've told this story this elsewhere on the forum before), after a particularly good blubbing session underneath a lovely lilac bush one sunny afternoon I developed what could be described as "superhuman powers", in that my senses were heightened to the extent of being able to detect what felt like the bioelectrical fields of people on the other side of buildings over 50m away as well as being able to climb up a vertical brick wall using only the tiny indentations in the mortar. The energy patterns of the optimal climbing route were made visible, allowing me to climb up the side of a two-storey house like a gecko! (Yes, this could be considered dangerous! Thus I wouldn't recommend it as an activity, although free-climbers who have done far crazier things do exist in the world.)

These powers aren't in fact 'super', but just a foretaste of what we're capable of when certain needless mental fetters are released. So, when used with care and intention - and ideally with a suitable level of support - these substances can bring a remarkable measure of healing.

In the case of getting five weeks of relief from depression after one session, it would seem that altering the day-to-day life circumstance would be one way to remove the need for repeat sessions. That, indeed is something that requires dedication to the path.

Be well!
Ora, lege, lege, lege, relege et labora

“To be GOVERNED is to be watched, inspected, spied upon, directed, law-driven, numbered, regulated, enrolled, indoctrinated, preached at, controlled, checked, estimated, valued, censured, commanded, by creatures who have neither the right nor the wisdom nor the virtue to do so. To be GOVERNED is to be at every operation, at every transaction noted, registered, counted, taxed, stamped, measured, numbered, assessed, licensed, authorized, admonished, prevented, forbidden, reformed, corrected, punished. It is, under pretext of public utility, and in the name of the general interest, to be place under contribution, drilled, fleeced, exploited, monopolized, extorted from, squeezed, hoaxed, robbed; then, at the slightest resistance, the first word of complaint, to be repressed, fined, vilified, harassed, hunted down, abused, clubbed, disarmed, bound, choked, imprisoned, judged, condemned, shot, deported, sacrificed, sold, betrayed; and to crown all, mocked, ridiculed, derided, outraged, dishonored. That is government; that is its justice; that is its morality."
― Pierre-Joseph Proudhon
 
Jega
#7 Posted : 9/24/2019 9:40:54 PM

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I totally agree with xss27.

You've been given a nice uplifting first trip, but now it's time to face your problems and do the hard work. This is what your more recent, more difficult trips have been.

So pick yourself up, dust yourself off (whether it feels like the tenth time or the ten millionth time) and go back and do the hard work. I know you can do it, and eventually you'll be rewarded with the healing you deserve.It is possible to make lasting change.

All the best

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yokGq0yKdUc
 
kdawgcal
#8 Posted : 9/28/2019 1:40:27 AM
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Well, I took the plunge. I did 2.5 grams.

At first, I felt so much anxiety and was very restless. I was feeling very cold as well, but got my body temperature back up to feel comfortable.

I eventually gave in and just relaxed. I was laying down on the floor, closing my eyes and allowing everything to come. Received some messages that were saying "I just need to allow others to love me"

Had a stunning experience and recall a cat being around me and wanting to be close with me. It honestly felt like I was somewhere else, and it was truly amazing.

Anyways, coming down now. Ordered some food (feeling famished). I'm looking forward to seeing the results tomorrow.
 
GRVDIGR
#9 Posted : 9/28/2019 4:45:02 AM

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Sending some love your way!
 
kdawgcal
#10 Posted : 9/28/2019 7:09:35 PM
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GRVDIGR wrote:
Sending some love your way!

Thank you!
 
kdawgcal
#11 Posted : 9/28/2019 7:18:58 PM
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So, it's the day after. I slept WAY longer than usual (about ten hours), and felt drained this morning.

I am feeling a little blue, which led me to start thinking about things again and try to see how this experience was different from my first trip. Came to a few conclusions.

Even though I prepared heavily for this, I also did eat about four hours before. With my first experience, I fasted for a couple of days.

The day after my first trip, I felt like a transformed person. But I think I may have had an ego death on that trip. There was a moment where I was not connected to my body at all. Just lost all feeling of it, and only my consciousness was there.

That had lasted a few minutes from what I remember, and it was a beautiful feeling. I tried to get there this time, but couldn't.

Anyways, today I started thinking about my habits. It clicked in my mind that if I continue doing the same thing each day, I will continue getting the same outcome.

Things started popping up in my head like "stop watching YouTube, stop reading the news constantly"

Now I ended up creating a task list of things I need to do today. So what I'll be focusing more on are doing things that are actually serving a purpose for me and build new habits to get me away from the ones that are currently leading me down a self destructive path.

I'm still grateful for the experience last night. It was amazing.

But now it helped solidify my conclusion that I need to enter that space of "nothingness" to fully reset myself again. Going to give this a few weeks and get myself to form these habits and try for that again.

Also going to stay away from microdosing, that way I don't have any psilocybin tolerance for the next trip.
 
TalkingGarden
#12 Posted : 9/29/2019 5:25:03 PM
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When trying to pull yourself out of depression its even more important than usual to integrate everything! It seems like you learned some new things and new habits you need to do and not do. And the saying reigns true " the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results". Depression has a way of gradually pulling us back as we try to climb out because well we get lazy and stop doing the things we know we need to do to feel better! So know and understand that and that's what makes it very important to take these things you learned and use them each and every day.

I also agree that 1st trip was a gift! I know for me the bad trips are the ones that inspire the most change! I used to try and distract myself from them when it would come. Now I face it head on and try to understand where and why these bad emotions and thoughts come from. Once we understand WHY something happends we are much better off combating it!

I wish you the best of luck and love and in your journeys!
 
brewster
#13 Posted : 9/30/2019 11:23:55 AM

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Hey, welcome!

I had a similar first trip - I didn't know much about shrooms, was quite young and had an incredible, stellar experience. Back then, I had also issues with depression, albeit less intense than in your case.

This was some 20 years ago. I managed to get rid of the depression with therapy, meditation and also thing the mushrooms (many sessions were to follow) helped. I'd see the plant teachers as catalysts - they can help a lot, but they don't do the work on their own.

It's not easy to find therapists who know and /or are willing to support patients using psychedelics, but you might want to try going in that direction.

My very best wishes to you. These things can be overcome!
 
MachineElfHunter
#14 Posted : 9/30/2019 11:34:49 PM

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Crying is super healthy. Lots of good replies here i just wanted to reiterate what you already mention and that is setting your intentions before the trip should you chose to do it again. Remember mushrooms can often make your emotions feel stronger which is often a great way for us to realize they exist and process them. Some of the most profound life altering/ life saving trips I had my intentions were set prior and very simple and clear. Peace!
 
kdawgcal
#15 Posted : 10/5/2019 11:19:42 PM
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Hello all,

I thought I would post an update to this since my trip.

Things are moderately getting better for me. The trip is exactly what I needed to get me going again.

Over the course of the week, I have been making improvements in regards to mental health and feeling fatigued. What I have been doing is getting more exercise, and using supplements to help me out.

Initially when I started my cardio workout (shadow boxing), I could only do it in five minute chunks. Because of the Apple watch, it kind of pushed me to do this more often so I could meet the 30 minute goal for exercising.

As the week went on, I kept pushing myself. I eventually got to doing 2 cardio sessions, at fifteen minutes. Once I accomplished this, I pushed myself to go the whole thirty minutes in one session (that was yesterday, and today as well). At the beginning, I was telling myself that I was too tired to do a workout. That's when another part of me said that I had to workout, even if I was tired to help get past this slump and to not use that as an excuse.

On top of the cardio, I started doing compound exercises. After shadow boxing, I would do squats, crunches, pushups and pull ups.

What I'm trying to focus on is getting my strength back, and start being more physically healthy in general. After a lot of research, I found that exercise is definitely the best way to treat things such as ADD/ADHD and depression.

In my younger years, I used to train in Muay Thai and Ju Jitsu. I'm hoping to get my core strength back up to start going back and doing these things again in the spring time!

I have also started taking probiotics. Not sure if they're helping, but I don't consume dairy products and figured this is one thing my body definitely needs. I was reading on how the gut microbiomes has an affect on mental health as well.

After the probiotics, I take my daily dose of vitamins and minerals.

Green tea extract
5-HTP
Omega 3
Krill Oil
Magnesium
Vitamin C
Vitamin D
Nascent Iodine
Oil of Oregano
Niacin
10 mg psilocybin (every few days)
Garlic Pills

Also, started taking creatine yesterday (it also helps with mental health apparently). In addition, having a protein shake after workouts.


During my research, I was reading articles on how grains can also affect mental health. So I made the hard decision and cut out carbs. Believe me, your body goes through a withdrawal when you don't have carbs for a while.

The worst part is when you go grocery shopping! The other day I could feel my mouth salivating as I walked down the chip and cookie aisle! LOL!

So I'm pretty much on a strict diet of fresh veggies, salad, eggs, turkey bacon, chicken and salmon. I'm quite ok with this as I can definitely get creative with everything, and with the amount of spices I have at my disposal. This also assists with being able to budget better for food I find.

With these changes (and it is quite drastic if I say), I can feel myself slowly getting better. I'm guessing that it could take a couple months to reap the benefits of these changes.

I'm continuing to avoid YouTube and reading news articles. I realized that those things really aren't serving me at all, and are potentially making things worse. I guess the only thing I do watch on YouTube now is Joe Rogans podcast when he has someone interesting on.

Now, I have also found myself cleaning the house more. If I'm wanting to clean an area, I'm starting to write things down on what needs to be done and break it down into smaller chunks.

I did a good cleaning of the kitchen last weekend, and have been continuously maintaining that. I'm getting into the mindset to tackle things immediately so it takes less time than doing it later. If I'm cooking, I'll wash the dishes right away and clear out the dish drying rack.

I'm really pushing myself to continue doing all of these things daily. There's the theory that it takes 67 days to start building a habit and integrating something into your life. That's why I can't miss a day of doing cardio. Plus, I want to meet all the goals for a period of one month for my AppleWatch!

Will be sharing more as things progress :-)

Thank you all for the love and support!
 
downwardsfromzero
#16 Posted : 10/6/2019 8:50:55 PM

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Quote:
After a lot of research, I found that exercise is definitely the best way to treat things such as ADD/ADHD and depression.

So true. It would do me well to pay attention to this matter more thoroughly myself!

Thank you for sharing your progress. Best of all, you are helping to inspire others (myself at the very least) by telling your story here.

Keep up the good work!
Ora, lege, lege, lege, relege et labora

“To be GOVERNED is to be watched, inspected, spied upon, directed, law-driven, numbered, regulated, enrolled, indoctrinated, preached at, controlled, checked, estimated, valued, censured, commanded, by creatures who have neither the right nor the wisdom nor the virtue to do so. To be GOVERNED is to be at every operation, at every transaction noted, registered, counted, taxed, stamped, measured, numbered, assessed, licensed, authorized, admonished, prevented, forbidden, reformed, corrected, punished. It is, under pretext of public utility, and in the name of the general interest, to be place under contribution, drilled, fleeced, exploited, monopolized, extorted from, squeezed, hoaxed, robbed; then, at the slightest resistance, the first word of complaint, to be repressed, fined, vilified, harassed, hunted down, abused, clubbed, disarmed, bound, choked, imprisoned, judged, condemned, shot, deported, sacrificed, sold, betrayed; and to crown all, mocked, ridiculed, derided, outraged, dishonored. That is government; that is its justice; that is its morality."
― Pierre-Joseph Proudhon
 
Algodritmo
#17 Posted : 10/8/2019 1:06:57 PM

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It's all about cortisol... Wink
Let's be honest: the Questionnaire is toooooo long and deep!

"One has a moral responsibility to disobey unjust laws" - Martin Luther King
 
findingmyplace
#18 Posted : 10/9/2019 10:12:11 PM
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Hey,
im happy youre doing better.Your mindset and how you describe things remind me of myself.
Im a lot better now and i can write a few things that helped me.(Everybody is different and i dont know what works for you)

Sounds counter-intuitive in such a forum but i completely stayed away from psychedelics.
I also tried out and took all kind of mood-enhancing suplements/foods and it soemhow was grounding and gave something to hold onto. But now i feel like just eating healthy is enough(following a diet after traditional chinese medicine helped a lot)
As long as you think you need or depend on more trips, microdosing or a lot of supplements) to heal and feel good, you give your freedom away and make yourself smaller than you are.
The realisation that you are enough and dont need external stimuli all the time is really freeing.

Another thing i noticed is that focusing on how you feel all the time can be counterproductive. Arent there many sayings like: The more you try to get something the harder it gets.
Just doing things outside/with people in itself can be healing.

One more thing that helped me is realising the short term pleasure/reward system of the brain and that it can trick you into feeling bad if you dont get things immediately.

For me it gets better every day, slowly but steadily.

Wish you the best!


 
 
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