I woke up and drank 1.8 grams of caapi 30x extract. I meditated, activating the yogic bandhas, lifting in the pelvic floor, pulling in the stomach, and dropping the chin to the chest while maintaining a straight back and breathing deeply for 10 breaths this way, then released into a more relaxed meditation for 20 minutes. After, I ate 2 grams lemon tek shrooms, and a few forkfulls of cold basmati rice to help things digest and waited, smoking a rare cigarette in the late morning light. After an hour, I knew I could handle more (the psilocybin in the shrooms had clearly degraded significantly by the time I ate them), so I took almost the rest of my shrooms (total 4.5 grams, 2 doses) and made a lemon tek and drank another .8 grams of caapi extract, which worked.
That familiar, delectable stimulation: unseen channels pumping up for the first time in long enough for it to feel fresh and vibrant. The fabric of time/space (or maybe just its hem) manifested in columns of light and color groping across the kitchen/living room, while I stared into it unblinking. This moment when the visuals broke recognizable visual reality into so many parts was memorable simply because of how calm I was. I have watched lives end and be changed forever and responded with grief and compassion, as well as sickening callousness and manipulation. I admit this feeling may be unfounded, but I feel like I could (calmly and without degrading myself) handle far more intense situations than I would be able to otherwise after experiencing my reality fragment in such a way while remaining completely detached and content.
After this, I mulled over things in bed, eating blended fruit and smoking spliffs in silence. Just listening to the exquisite birds and sounds of my neighborhood, taking a sort of moral inventory, which is something the shroom leads me to do. I stumbled upon examples of my own hypocrisy in my memory, but also found that if I was completely genuine I would probably have never been able to face my drug addiction. My impulses and desires are not virtuous. So when I verbally or otherwise commit to do better, I am faking it hoping I’ll somehow make it despite my track record of not. I was teasing out this fine line between intending to improve oneself and misrepresenting oneself. I have had many trips that the shrooms would not let me stop thinking about how I need to be a better person, so I actually started trying to please the shroom and have made some progress. This way, my more recent trips have been more manageable because I have the worst of my bullshit (fingers crossed) out of the way.
The many hours of sitting/laying in silence listening to the many natural sounds and breathing deeply were rejuvenating beyond words. Just letting that much time slide by without doing something was revelatory and I achieved many positive insights.
However, I was coming down. All in all, the peak was shortlived (coming down 2-3 hours after 2nd dose) and relatively weak on my scale of intensity (I've come close to breaking through on dmt and have taken relatively large doses of shrooms (5gs, very potent shrooms) and acid (400+ug or so i'm told). I knew I hadn’t gotten the main dish: healing from depression and a step further in my knowledge and experience with caapi/shrooms. Sometimes, you just need a deeper churning to subdue the ego. The territory I’d trod thus far was comfortable, like going for a walk or a light jog. When I am in need of healing, I personally need to push myself, find that edge and deepen it to a point. I generally approach pushing the dose with not insignificant trepidation, and this was no different. Deep down, I knew I could handle the amounts I was taking, and more importantly, I knew I really needed it.
I'd read that you could take caapi sublingually and decided this was the perfect time to try it. I started out with 50 mg, smearing it into my gums with my finger (taking care not to swallow for many minutes) and laid down with a shirt over my eyes. Over the next 2 hours or so I would dose roughly .3-.4 sublingually, the largest dose being about 70mg. My body was lifted into a timeless maternal embrace and I became very emotional and loving towards the caapi, developing a playful relationship with it. It also revived the shroom vibe, yet dominated the overall direction of the trip. It seemed like its spirit was nurturing me by making me feel so light as to not exist outside the intense but quite soothing visions. I believe they call this the sublime. In any case, it was my allotment of bliss for the afternoon.
At times, I wondered if it was about to get too intense. I gathered my courage, dosed again, and it would get more intense—this was fine with me because no matter how intense it got, the headspace was permeated with ease, which is exactly the ambience I want to bring into so many aspects of my life.
Admittedly, I’d read that the caapi was a feminine maternal presence and had read about people’s relationships of adoration with it. I wasn’t expecting to feel this way about it myself but I did. I could go more in depth, but suffice to say that sublingual caapi 4 hours after my second lemon tek took me to a far deeper place than the shroom peak did and did wonders for my depression (writing this with confidence now days after the trip).
A final note: in the days since this trip, my integration process has been leading me to stop taking low dose psychedelics in social settings/recreationally. I think it’s a bad look for someone who wants to advocate for responsible use, and I don’t want to wear out a medicine that I hope to benefit from my whole life, just for some kicks. For these reasons, and since this trip was so successful, I don’t plan to trip until winter at the soonest. It has been a pleasure. Expect another write up then. Xoxo <3
Thanks for reading. Comments, questions, and input are welcome. I’m responsive.