Greetings all,
As you read this I hope that you find something useful.
This is my first public post about a trip I had on Salvia 8 years ago which was my last major psychonaut experience and deep dive into the highest and lowest levels of consciousness.
I used to go to a lot of trance parties (high bpm psychedelic trance taking drugs like lsd and mdma, mushrooms and smoking weed). I took salvia in January 2011 , the below is a report and after effect of what I have endured.
During my experimentation with psychedelics, Without realizing I developed something known as HPPD, I was able to see spirals, travel around space, I saw this orb a collection of dots RGB (which im guessing is the pineal gland which would be in the centre of my vision,)I could close my eyes and envision what I wanted to see, any complex pattern or design showing me imagery without even thinking. When tripping I used this as the centre and it teleported me around into different dimensions, I didnt realize or think too much about it other than this collection of dots was me - it was me and my point of reference in the universe. I suppose it was like a material projection of the 3rd eye into my real "reality" view. This orb of dots would be centre of my existance and look as if all life and manifesations comes from it. I would go into high dimensions, where no words were needed and everything was does via love, similar visions/trips to all the alex grey art etc.
I did a lot of soul searching, wondering what is out there, as during trips I would feel completely at peace and full of love and knowledge, coming back to reality was always a hard adjustment as I felt like I had died and gone to heaven and now have to do material existence. This sense of remembrance, total oneness, peace and harmony was like an best old friend. I figured this was God and we are all in this projection and can use our 3rd eyes to teleport / loose our physical bodies and merge with brahman realization (the energy of God). I was in very deep, all of this was more of a feeling and it just happened, our current reality would dissipate and I would be gone. Without knowing what I was doing my breathing would sync to an equal part of Inhalation, exhalation, space in between. My focus would be unfocussed into the centre, my eyelids half drooped and I would disassociate from reality. My body was the last thing on my mind, as I had no mind.
So.. now my friend got this herb called Salvia Divinorum 40X extract, which is a very intense psychedelic, It was me and my 2 closest friends.I had very little knowledge of this plant other than it was very intense, but I guess so full of ego myself I thought nothing I cannot handle, given what I could do and had experienced before. I smoked last and immediately the world kaleidoscoped from either side of my vision. and I was completely out of control from that point,I felt zipped into the ground on a timewheel as though just observing an eternity of either my life or life in general it was more like many many lifes as it felt foreign to me yet it had happened and was truth.. and it wouldnt end, what was 5 minutes felt like 50 000 years.
On this timewheel zipped into the ground I was flying back in time and picking up and absorbing all of this energy and feeling, but then it became too much.Some of it was really dark, I felt alone, afraid, trapped viewing the way we put animals in slaughter houses and how they operate like a machine and how we now are almost the same on a timewheel of birth and death operating like machines. I flew over areas which were lost and had no love, felt like they were witch houses. I felt like instead of going higher into where I usually would go, I went lower, down, on the opposite side, I couldn't feel love or light, I couldnt feel anything other than confusion, distance and despair.
My reaction was that I had to get out I felt as if I was going too stay there and never come back to friends, love and joy. Now I know that I must not fight a trip but some sort of survival mode kicked in and I said enough and I tried to stand (as I was laying down), as I stood I felt a tear in my brain, my 3rd eye felt like it had a quarter of it ripped out, as I stood i felt like I had lost levels, my consciousness was spilling out of me in front of my eyes in waves, any sense of my self, hope, love, peace just leaving my body in front of my eyes. I felt like I had been split open and my soul removed. An empty husk devoid of life and meaning.
During the tear I felt like a rip and pull inside my brain, an intense buzzing and tingling,While this happened my left arm down the side suffered some sort of nervous system damage as it became tingly light and numb, I had lost sensation in my expanse of consciousness and lost some sensation in my physical body. I thought in the evening after the trip, its all going to be ok, Ill wake up and feel like nothing happened. That was false, I did not feel the same, nor do I feel the same now. It was the beginning of something else, something new, something I would never wish on anybody.
I struggled and suffered in silence for a couple months, on the outside i appeared the same, on the inside I felt broken, dead, no emotion. just flat. I went from feeling hopeful and ever optimistic about what I would learn from the universe into feeling scared, lost and betrayed. I felt a disconnect with my physical body, i wasn't the same person.
I told my parents they freaked out and sent me to a psychiatrist ofc. I was put on anti deprros and anti psychotic drugs, I stopped taking both in a year as I felt if any help they could have brought it would be done now I want to do this on my own.
I guess I realized that I abused my gift, an innate knowledge of breathing, meditation and merging with God. now I have to figure out a way back into the higher dimensions on my own, I pray that this is possible and I'm guessing is my life work, to become enlightened and be of love and support to others.. Im scared of tripping of going out of control. I guess I am the same person or soul as if I had left this body it would be dead. I don't take psychedelics any more, I smoke marijuana occasionally in a ceremonious fashion as Im trying to loosen my subtle body and invite back in myself or parts that I have lost ?
I am trying to do a lot of meditation and yoga, I found that the Vedic instruction/sastras provide the most comprehensive knowledge of the self, I also know that so much of everything/life/gpd is going with your inner feeling, the ultimate teacher comes from inside so we have to try listen. Mantra / Japa meditation I find works wonders in achieving trance and communication with God. I've always known God was there and always loving, perfect and eternal. All I want is to be with God/The Universe, I know that we are never separated, however sometimes it feels like we have been abandoned,I feel like a fraction of who I was, my vision is kind of skewed due to the 3rd eye chakra being torn (my Hare Krishna friend who is adept in reiki says that he can see a fine blue tear on my right hand side) and HPPD makes things a bit fuzzy. Talk about completely cooked.
Does anyone have experience in this, a disconnect ? a burn out of 3rd EYE / torn subtle body energy ?
unable to trip again ? I have not found anyone with similar experiences where they have damaged their physical body from a trip.
Feel free to send me a message or say anything you want to share
Lots of love
J