I'll try to keep this one shorter than my first, which is here:
https://www.dmt-nexus.me...aspx?g=posts&t=87059My stats are there, so no need to repeat.
Instead of a CWE MHRB brew, I decided to follow a jello shots guide on the shroomery. I modified it only by using vinegar instead of lemon juice for the CWE on the rue, and I reduced it with all the crushed seed powder still in the pot, which was a mistake IMO as the powder absorbs a lot over time as you reduce it. I ended up with about 6 mL worth of liquid for the rue (3g rue) which I combined with 20 mL OJ to wash it down.
I got distracted while making the MHRB tea/jello. I ended up adding the gelatin before removing the MHRB powder/chunks. Instead of trying to sort that mess out, I decided to just go ahead and eat everything the way it was, powder and all, the next morning after it set.
I would not add 14g of gelatin next time. While it was tasteless, it was hard to reduce as instructed. It was also hard to eat. I broke up chunks and tried basically to swallow it whole, but needed to chew a bit and add in some applesauce. Took 10 min to eat, while I could have just downed 1/4 cup of liquid with OJ in one gulp.
This method, for whatever reason, be it the tannin removal using egg whites or the extraction from rue seeds instead of eating them powdered, produced zero nausea for me. Effects kicked in in about 20 min after eating the jello. I was watching something on Youtube to distract me from any possible nausea when I noticed the characters started to deliver their lines very quickly! The speed-talking was like someone was fast forwarding x2 or x3. So I turned that off and focused on the experience.
I experienced basically 3 parts to this trip:
1. Hell
2. Heaven
3. Unspeakable something? nothing?
Regarding Hell:
While there was no nausea, I was over my bucket for the first 1.5 hrs. I had anxiety about eating so much of the MHRB powdered root bark. I had read people sometimes microdose it in the 1-2g range. But I never read of anyone eat 8-9g. I had a nagging feeling that I had poisoned myself. My trip sitter was in the other room doing his own thing, and i had told him to check on my every hour. But when he came in after noticing i was over my bucket, I asked him to stay out of fear. I felt like I was losing control over my body. I could barely keep myself over my bucket while kneeling. My legs were weak and my arms were giving out. I collapsed against my bed. I feared that I might fall the wrong way, face up, and choke on my own vomit.
Once I was being watched by my sitter, I felt a little less anxious about that. But the world was spinning, and when I closed my eyes there was just as much movement in the form of various geometrical patterns that I thought I would vomit. So I kept my spot by my bucket. I kept thinking I'm experiencing some kind of nerve toxin, and I might die over this bucket.
I purged slightly. Some relief.
I kept checking the time. Each minute felt like it was 30-40 min, so I was not perceiving time properly, it was quite dilated.
I purged 3 more times to the point where I think I had everything out of my stomach. More relief.
Regarding Heaven:
Now, this might seem strange to call this heavenly, but I laid down on my bed in the fetal position and felt a great relief. I wasn't seeing the world properly, but it wasn't spinning out of control. I had no depth perception and my arm looked a bit cartoony in its dimensions given my perspective of it.
I then experienced my father's death. He's currently alive and well at 94 years old. But I was inside his body, I could see as I moved my hand, it was his old hand, with his old marine corps ring on his finger. I was him. And I was dying. These were his last moments on earth. They were filled with anxiety, loneliness, fear, and lots of regrets. It was very sad, and traumatic for me, but I still lump this in with the heavenly part of my trip as it brought me to the other side of death, being born.
I was born. I went from being pure consciousness to being born into a body. I had to learn what it was like to have a body again, and it brought me some great and strange joy. I laughed as I cried, and I thought how closely these two emotional states are to one another in their embodiment. I had extreme euphoria.
Then I noticed my mother. I saw her as I did when I was a child. Then I saw her rapidly age until she too died. I wasn't her, as I was my father, but I witnessed her death. This was again very depressing for me, but it again brought me to the birth part of the cycle. I got the strong sense that time was not necessarily linear or fleeting, but forever existing, each moment was in eternity. The birth and death cycle was "built-into" us as a species. Endless cycle for eternity. This gave me great joy, but also great sadness, and a mix of other emotions, like I was feeling all that one could feel in every possible situation you might find yourself in as an embodied being. I felt like it was all "programmed" like we were just those lines on a record that had been placed on the cosmic record player. Yet we still had some kind of freedom of will too, which I cannot explain.
Regarding the Unspeakable:
I approached a blackness after 3 euphorias. It was like my "I", my ego, was disintegrating as I got closer to this darkness. There---was Eternity. The Progenitor of all that is 'something'. Here things break down. I don't remember it. I wasn't there. But I was.
I felt like, immediately after returning to my body, that I had been shown something beyond the precipice upon which we travelers walk.... like the veil was lifted. There was a joke, a humor that was at once the darkest and cruelest thing you can imagine, yet also the most good-natured and funny. I can't share it, like I was told not to reveal it. I just feel it.
When I think of this, tears run down my eyes, even 24 hrs later. My legs feel weak. I can barely type now. This was the most powerful experience of my life.