PRE-CONDITIONS
(mind)Set: Confused and Anxious
(physical condition) Set: Healthy
Setting (location): House
time of day: 12 hour system, evening
recent drug use: Previously taken LSD 9 months ago
last meal: pizza at 2:00 p.m.

PARTICIPANT
Gender: m
body weight: 93kg
known sensitivities: None
history of use: Novice, 2nd LSD trip

BIOASSAY
Substance(s): LSD
Dose(s): Likely 200ug
Method of administration: Soaked into sour candy and ingested


EFFECTS
Administration time: T=6:00
Duration: 11 hours
First effects: 7:00 p.m.
Peak: 12:00 a.m.-1:00 a.m.
Come down: 4:00 a.m.-6:00 a.m.
Baseline: 6:00 a.m.

Intensity (overall): 3
Evaluation / notes:

OPTIONAL
Pleasantness: 2
Unpleasantness: 2
Visual Intensity: 1
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AFTER-EFFECTS
Hangover: 0
Afterglow: 0


REPORT
This was the first trip that I prepared for in advance. I was adjusting to my new job and I was stuck in a very existentially confused mindset that had persisted since my previous LSD trip. My brilliant idea to sort of “fix” this confusion was to take more of the drug that started this problem in the first place. In my mind I just needed more answers, and since LSD had gave me some answers last time, I had convinced myself that one more trip was all I needed to know the true meaning of everything. My sister’s husband was the only person I knew who knew how to get a hold of LSD, so after a very long series of texts with him that had to go down so he could gauge what my intentions were, I was allowed to go over to his new home to trip with him, while my sister would act as our tripsitter.

Something about my sister’s new home felt off to me. The living room felt way too empty aside from a relatively small amount of furniture that didn’t properly utilize the floor space. It was mainly the combination of too much empty space and hardwood floors that made me feel uncomfortable. Despite being mostly unfamiliar with this home, it still seemed safe and I felt like I could eventually get over the uncomfortable feeling. I spent a few hours talking to my sister and her husband sober beforehand, which did a great job of helping me get slightly out of my confused and anxious mindset. Had I not spent time talking to them beforehand I probably would’ve had a much worse trip. I had actually brought up the question for very the first time to my sister on whether she saw me as a girl. She said no, and I experienced a sense of relief that came from my heavy denial about being transgender. I’m surprised that I never explored the thought of me being transgender during the trip, but that likely had something to do with me believing that my sister had already answered the question for me.

For some reason, my sister’s husband actually had pure liquid LSD. I wasn’t able to test whether it was legit, but I trusted him with that fact. He dropped 2 or 3 drops of the liquid onto sour candy, and that’s how we both took our doses. I don’t know the exact amount I had taken in micrograms, but the trip overall was maybe slightly more intense than my first one. I’m not sure of the exact time that we took our doses either, but I’m fairly sure that it was around 6:00 p.m. As I waited for the effects to kick in, I decided to watch my sister’s husband play Overwatch. He had gotten onto me earlier for forgetting to bring my own PS4 because he assumed that I would spend my entire trip playing Overwatch with him. I had actually left my PS4 home on purpose, since I didn’t want to waste my trip playing video games. I couldn’t just get acid whenever I wanted like he could, so the experience was a lot more important to me.

I had a rather short come up that felt relaxing and euphoric, just a sudden pouring in of positive energy. I found absolutely everything hilarious and Overwatch not only looked vibrant and way more colorful, but all of the intense movement in the game started to look like running water. As I finally left the couch I saw the familiar ant-tunnel like fractal patterns from my last trip moving across the wall, but they were sharper and more intense. The visuals looked a lot more like actual fractals than just ants digging tunnels. My sister ended up dragging me outside just so I could get a peak at the clouds before sunset. I was astonished at the fact that I could even see the same fractal patterns in the clouds themselves.

We headed back inside rather quickly, and I started to get stuck in my own thoughts. Instead of being blindly suggestible like I was during my first experience, I was fearful, argumentative and anxious. Coming into this trip I was determined to find answers, and I immediately focused all of my mental energy into finding the meaning or life, death and existence. I spent a lot of time arguing with my sister’s husband about life and death. He firmly believed in there being absolutely nothing and the fact that he believed that drove me absolutely nuts, I knew that him believing in that was just making him way more miserable than he needed to be, even if it was true. He eventually settled on a very slight compromise, saying that if he believed in anything after death, that it would be similar to it’s portrayal in the movie Coco, where you would be fully dead once nobody was alive to remember you. For a moment it actually made sense to me and I started to freak out and experience pure terror, exclaiming “Death is not fucking Coco”

I was very frustrated at the fact that I couldn’t properly explain to him what was in my own head. I knew that there would have to be something after nothing, and that life was just the endless continuation of one part of that pattern, but I couldn’t convince him and eventually I gave up for a little bit. I kept going back and forth between watching him play Overwatch and talking to my sister in the other room. I comfortably wrapped myself into the thought of life being a gentle stream and a loving rhythm that you couldn’t resist, so I went with it. I would say random things like “The flow taketh me here” and thankfully I was able to let loose and be funny (at least I thought I was) in between my rather annoying constant existential chatter. I felt slightly more free than normal, and I wasn’t afraid to get rather loud and try to be spontaneous in a desperate attempt to be funny.

When my sister felt like I was being too loud and starting to get aggressive, she led me to their shower. She said that showers felt absolutely amazing on LSD and I needed to try it. Oddly enough I don’t remember the shower feeling any different than normal. All I experienced during my shower was an intense desire to change and improve myself, to the point where I started uncontrollably sobbing and saying “I Want To Get Better” over and over again. I eventually got out of the shower and went back to constantly moving back and forth between watching my sister’s husband play Overwatch in the living room, to talking to my sister in the bedroom. My sister was playing a video game herself and I felt a bit too connected to her in the sense that every single time something slightly negative would happen to her in the game I would feel deeply concerned and ask her what was wrong like she was experiencing some kind of horrible mental pain. (which she clearly wasn’t).

One of the weirdest things about my experience during this trip was that I couldn’t mentally fathom the idea of my sister being in a sober mindset. I lost the ability to perceive what a sober mindset was actually like. The way I dealt with my weird intense feeling of oneness/connectedness with everything was that I would talk to her in a way where I was assuming she knew everything that was going on in my head and exactly how I was feeling, because I felt connected in that way with everything, but really she had no idea. She eventually put on the movie Wall-E after she got tired of listening to me talk, but sadly enough I kept talking through almost the entire movie and I was stuck in a sort of adhd mindset where I couldn’t focus on any one thing for more than a second. I felt in the realest way like an annoying hyperactive child.

Once my sister had absolutely enough of listening to my constant talking, she angrily told me to focus on the movie. All of a sudden I was completely stuck and couldn’t look away, and this unfortunately was during a rather intense scene in Wall-E with the spaceship captain fighting with the autopilot. I immediately locked myself into a mindset where I convinced myself that this part of the movie was an important message. The visuals during this scene started to become intense and vivid, to the point where the spaceship captain morphed into what looked like an alien, and that’s when the feeling hit me like a truck. My mind shut off completely, the only thing present was a mantra: “I want to be hypnotized right now”. I was stuck with nothing else in my head but this mantra, the mantra itself felt like it was completely alien and coming from something other than me. All of a sudden I was stuck in the deepest hypnotic trance I had ever been in, to the point where it literally felt like I was under the complete control of something else.

The feeling went beyond my brain being hypnotized. It felt in the absolute realest sense like the deepest parts of my soul were being controlled and forced to listen. My brain didn’t matter, my body didn’t matter, this message was only meant for the conscious awareness that I believe will persist even after my own death. What felt like the most important part of this scene, and the part of the movie that I felt was absolutely burned into the deepest parts of my soul the most was “I’m giving override directive A113, go to full autopilot, take control of everything and do not return to Earth. I repeat do not return to Earth.” After I snapped out my trance I became completely paranoid and felt like I needed to leave the planet immediately.

I looked through the outside window to check for aliens and after not finding any, I eventually rationalized that the message was only there to explain the true meaning of human existence. Space travel. I realized that the main goal of human existence was to eventually leave the planet forever, and I ended up forgetting about the message after thinking to myself that long after my death humans will eventually leave the planet and the message wasn’t meant to make me worry about my current life. I went back to arguing with my sister’s husband about death again and I settled on a belief (that I don’t hold currently) that nobody has to worry about death because people choose when they want to die. After remembering that his parents died in a car crash when he was a kid, I took everything back and focused on comforting him. I realized if this was true then his parents could’ve chosen to die because they didn’t want to deal with him, and I was convinced that I had now made him believe that he was the cause of his own parents death. We cried and hugged, and I stopped arguing with him about death.

After things started to calm down and I managed to quell my existential thoughts long enough, my sister’s husband handed the ps4 controller to me and let me play a game of Overwatch. Something happened in my head where I let go of all the reasons I played Overwatch sober and realized that I only wanted to do one thing, play Reaper. I played Reaper terribly and I couldn’t aim or focus or do anything correctly. All I did was die over and over again while constantly feeling the need to say “Yes Master” every time my sister’s husband told me what to do during the game. I gave him back the controller afterwards and after awhile, he also stopped playing Overwatch and decided to go to the bedroom and watch Futurama with my sister.

After realizing that I finally had the living room to myself I felt the need to test something. During my previous trip I had a strong desire to sing during the movie Moana but I couldn’t bring myself to. I wanted to see if I could sing on LSD and I played Death of a Bachelor through my phone and started singing it in the kitchen as loud as I could. I closed my eyes during it, and saw bright yellow visuals as I was singing. I had a rather neutral feeling as a finished. I didn’t feel like I sang it amazingly or badly, I just treated it like I had passed a test. Although, I could hear my sister and her husband laughing in the other room which made me not want to sing anymore.

I put on my headphones and tried to listen to music on my phone but surprisingly enough it didn’t sound any different other than it being slightly more reverberated. It bummed me out because I was so sure that listening to music on LSD would sound absolutely amazing. After being unable to distract myself with music I ended up dragging myself back into an existential mindset and I went into the other room to unintentionally annoy my sister and her husband. As I saw them watching futurama, a rather questionable existential theory came to my mind and I was so sure I had finally figured everything out. I realized that creative media (books/movies/tv) were portals to the infinite experiences that existed within the multiverse and that everyone chose to play out whatever life that they could imagine, and life was us experiencing an already pre-written story in first person, with only the illusion of free will.

While I clumsily tried to present this flawed existential theory to my sister and her husband I acted like, to put it bluntly, an arrogant know-it-all jerk. I was so frustrated at the fact that I couldn’t convince my sister or her husband to believe my wild existential theory and I was angry at myself for not properly explaining it to them. I looked at them like they were dumb monkeys and arrogantly thought that it was pointless to try to explain anything to them. I gave up, thinking “they’ll figure it out eventually”. I stumbled into the bathroom and looked in the mirror, and I felt like God, but in a rather miserable way. I realized that God decided he was miserable being God and instead wanted to be a slave. Wanting to test my existential theory that reality was basically television, I laid myself down on the living room couch in the other room and began to meditate.

I hadn’t watched Zootopia in awhile but for some reason in that moment I decided that I was going to be Nick Wilde. My theory was that I could use use this LSD experience to catapult myself into another reality, and that this was one of the ways I could “Choose my own death”. I figured that the movie Zootopia would’ve been a preview of the best part of Nick Wilde’s life, and that the universe would fill in the events that happened in his life before and after the movie was over. As I meditated and started focusing on becoming Nick Wilde, I could halfway feel myself laying down in what I imagined would be his childhood bedroom, to the point where I even heard his mom talking to him from the other room. In the realest sense I felt like I was stuck in between two different realities.

As I focused more on becoming Nick Wilde I began to feel my body changing as if it was real, I could feel my tail, my fur, my muzzle, and I began growling uncontrollably. I hadn’t been able to hear my sister and her husband watching futurama up until this point, and despite them watching it at a rather low volume in the other room, at this point I could hear it clear as day as if I was right there in front of the tv. All of a sudden I was immersed in a dialogue sequence between Fry, Leela and the Professor, which in the moment I was absolutely certain was a message from the universe. Honestly the fact that this scene was playing in the other room and was so relevant to what I was experiencing could not have been a coincidence at all. It was during Mars University, and I’ll have to put a transcript of the dialogue I was listening to in order to explain what I was intensely focused on during my attempted transformation:

Farnsworth: Oh, I always feared he might run off like this. Why? Why? Why didn't I break his legs?
Farnsworth: [crying] Oh, poor Guenter.
Leela: So he just ran away in the middle of the exam?
Farnsworth: I'm afraid so. All he handed in was a paper smeared with faeces. He tied with Fry.
Fry: I guess he realised I was right when I told him to go back to the jungle.
Farnsworth: You what? After I spent months slaving over a hot monkey brain?
Fry: Hey, don't blame me. You tried to force Guenter to be a human but he's an animal. He belongs in the wild. Or in the circus on one of those tiny tricycles. Now that's entertainment!
Farnsworth: But Guenter's obviously better off being intelligent. Tell him, Leela.
Leela: Nuh-uh, I'm staying out of this. Now here's my opinion: What we should do is…

Shortly after that, I became intensely focused on a later sequence of dialogue where the monkey Guenter was forced to choose between a hat that made him super intelligent and a banana. Feeling like it was a message telling me to choose, I ended up mentally choosing the banana after realizing how miserable I felt with all of this existential knowledge. I returned to focus on my transformation and felt again like I was stuck between two different realities. I even felt my body begin to shift as if it was growing much shorter and slimmer. During the transformation I experienced a flood of what I could only describe as Nick Wilde’s memories.

As I became more and more increasingly sure of this transformation to the point where I forgot I was even human, I started hearing voices in my head explaining the cons of being Nick Wilde and making sure I was aware of them. I was reminded through these voices that Nick Wilde had a rough and traumatic childhood as witnessed in one of the movie flashbacks, and that he had also said in the movie that he had been working since he was 12. In addition to all of that, I was also told that at some point during the unknown events that would take place after the movie that he would die rather young of cancer. For some reason despite these cons I was still convinced that I wanted to be Nick Wilde and nobody else.

The feeling of being Nick Wilde and traveling into another reality dissipated slightly and I started to become aware of being human with my focus on one thing, my heart. I heard voices telling me that this was the final test, if I wanted to be Nick Wilde I would have to be willing to feel my human heart stop. It felt real enough that as I started agreeing to it I could feel my heartbeat slow down to a crawl and I was intensely focused on each individual beat. I felt in the realest sense that my heart was growing weaker and it was about to stop. The voices kept prodding me, asking if I was 100% sure, then asking if I was 110% sure and so on. At this point I started to realize that I had no choice as the voices eventually made me understand that there was still a small part of my soul that wanted to be human.

As part of me was still wrestling with my desperate desire to become Nick Wilde, I started to get distracted by my sister’s cat and I opened my eyes, pulling myself out of it completely. I ran into the other room to badly explain the experience to my sister and her husband, but I’m pretty sure at this point they were completely exhausted and could no longer bring themselves to care about anything I had to say. They decided to go into the living room and put on one of the early 2000s pokemon films and I sat down and watched it with them. For some reason I was completely quiet, but this likely had something to do with my trip starting to wind down. I also had a desire to lose myself in a similar way to what happened while I was watching Wall-E, but I wasn’t able to recreate the feeling and instead I got stuck existentially analyzing the movie and feeling like I was “The Chosen One”

The sun started to come up shortly after the movie was over. For some reason I didn’t even bother processing the experience and instead went outside to sit on the front porch. Although I really wanted to witness the sunrise, It was cloudy so I couldn’t see it very well. I still felt overly emotional as I started to finally sober up, and I cried intensely while listening to You Can Cry by Marshmello and then rewatched all of the current episodes of Confinement by Lord Bung on YouTube. (Which is really good by the way)

You certainly got a lot out of 100 mikes...all that thinking must have been very tiring

I actually had no idea what the dose was, it was a few drops of pure liquid LSD so it was likely more. 100 Mike's is probably quite an undershoot

when I was stuck needing to know the meaning of life, I feel as though it was a unseen reflection, of a lack of certainty on my own inner values and morels and what i hold dear and true. and it has nothing to do with an afterlife. speaking about myself of course.