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Hello fellow Nexians,

I have only a handful of DMT experiences under my belt so far.
The problem so far has been poor methods of administration; in that I still have a way to go figuring out my ideal dosage, sometimes breaking through, mostly enjoying the waiting room.

I also experienced something rather frightening.
Unfortunately I can't remember much, but I'll try my best.

I was just working on getting acclimated to 'the machine'... My ideal dose so far seemed to be around 30mg, but this conclusion had been reached via meth pipe and only 1 attempt with the machine.

At this point it seemed a good idea to up the dosage a touch, to 35mg, and see what happened.
I must admit, this was somewhat rushed. I'd not spent much time setting my intentions, or working on cultivating good feelings. I was also nervous (as I always seem to be immediately pre-dose).

As soon as I took the hit, I knew this was going to be a big one (I'm wondering if perhaps there was plenty of residue from my previous attempt stuck in the mesh).
The room wasn't vibrating so much as shaking violently. The ringing in my ears sounded loud, and broken, shattered. I took a deep breath, lay back and tried to be as ready as possible for what was to come.
Honestly, I was already bricking it, and any training for this kind of situation completely went from my mind.

I seem to remember immediate violence... visions shot into my brain faster and harder than I could accept them, like a train whizzing past at point blank range.
Then, I have memories of being dead on my significant other's floor.
The police were there, my S.O was distraught, my mother may have been there too... I'm not sure.
That very real, acidic feeling of 'oh no this is actually happening' permeated everything.

This was then replayed to me from multiple angles of space and time (I'm not sure how to explain this, but time had a million angles and I was being show this moment from all of them. Time dilation was taken to the extreme.)
I wasn't at any point aware that this was a trip.
It felt real, the panic felt real, there was no dissolution of ego, no serenity, just shock and worry. Nor was the trip very lucid. I only remember flashes.
This happened over and over again, from the above-mentioned 'angles'.

Eventually I was dumped back into this reality, with extremely potent post trip visuals.
I didn't have my wits about me, I wan't sure if it had really happened, whether I'd been out for days, or weeks, whether the police were outside my door... It was quite the experience!

As I verbally reassured myself where I was, that I hadn't died, and that my loved ones weren't having to mourn me, I found euphoria in that, and spent the next 10 minutes clutching my duvet and being very thankful for my life.



As I gather, this isn't how Ego-Death in the classic sense goes for people. All the stories I read involve realisation of death, acceptance, and often being 'reborn'.
I'm also aware that this kind of thing usually happens at much higher doses, however I'm willing to believe that there was quite a bit left over from my last attempt.

What was this experience?
If not 'classic' Ego-Death, then what?
I wish I could remember more of the narrative, rather than just flashes of panic and fear.
I'm struggling to find meaning in it... I know my loved ones would mourn me, I was already thankful for my life, and I thought I was pretty comfortable with the concept of death.
This experience, if anything, has left me a little more fearful of popping my clogs.

In cases like this, I'm trying to foster the attitude of climbing back on when the horse kicks me off, (I've since bought a Yocan vaporiser, and all the required equipment and materials for my first extraction) but I'd like to come to find more meaning in this most recent experience.

Any input would be appreciated

I'm not claiming 100% accuracy there, but maybe you have seen your fear: fear of loss of yourself, fear of dying. Maybe you need to learn to not fear death.

It is just one ego death. And you fear about it.
You are scared to be disconnected from your body.
Next time do not try to prepare for something, just be ready to let it happen. Surrender. Let it be.

Thank you both.

I always thought I had a pretty healthy relationship with the concept of death, and amongst the people I know, I feel I'm most accepting of it.
Perhaps I've had that rigid self assertion internalised for too long without questioning its validity.
Maybe that's why I felt there was no meaning in it; I felt that it didn't relate to me.

I'm going to try to examine my feelings on the subject. Thanks again, both.

Thanks again for both of your inputs!

I have started working on this. If you don't mind, I'd like to update this thread with my efforts.

So far I've thought of the following possibilities:

I have a fear of death that I haven't yet identified.
I'm going to look further into this. There are threads here in which Nexians have asked about the same thing. I may also try various meditations.

I have a fear of dying badly.
I'm not sure how to tackle this. It feels like a rational fear, especially considering what in idiot I can sometimes be however perhaps I'm focusing on it too much.

I have a fear of dying without first having taken care of the skeletons in my closet (The police being there felt like a metaphor for being found out for my 'crimes' )
I've started working much harder on this today. I have a few that I really need to address. I think this may be an important one... the backlog is rather extensive

I feel a difference between the way others feel about death, and the way I feel about it... Perhaps I feel guilty about not feeling too bad about it when someone I know dies, or inadequate in my ability to truly console those around me.
While I'm glad of my own percived attitude towards death (which may not have been internalized as thoroughly as I previously thought), I'm not sure if I've been effectively giving that to others, perhaps I'll never be able to, in which case maybe I need to work on empathising with the way my loved ones feel about death, rather than changing it. I feel I may have seemed rather arrogant/nontialent at times, when it had only ever been my intention to impart a 'no worries' feeling upon them.

On a brief closer inspection, I may also feel trapped by the love and loss displayed by my loved ones in this vision, rather than bolstered by it.
This may take a while to untangle, if it is, indeed a thing.

I'm looking forward to trying to iron out these knots in my life. Once again, the molecule and the Nexus provide exactly what I need

I pipe in way too much on this sort of topic. I just wanted to pop in and say that I am very impressed how you are approaching all of this BaronVonVapesAlot.

I think that in psychonaut lingo, "ego death" is arguably even worse than "breakthrough". By worse, I mean, even less clear what it even means. A vision of dying, or concerning death, while retaining one's personality is more a "death-related experience" than an "ego death experience" in my dictionary. But then again, these terms are used really liberally.

Anyway, the experiences that I termed ego deaths were a peaceful but utter obliteration of my sense of self. I just stopped existing as an individual personality. Some parts of my personality took on lives of their own. My body was just a random collection of large-molecule compounds on a random ball of dust flying through a random space. Still, I existed, observed, and was pure and atomic, and separate from all these fragments of thought and matter. I called it an "ego death" because my Freudian "ego", the connecting hub of my personality, disappeared. It really didn't make me more selfless in the long run, so it's not like my "ego" (as in, colloquially, self-aggrandizement, selfishness) had died or gotten weakened.

Then there was my first DMT breakthrough, where my whole being crystallized into a cracked stasis. There was a "self" to be scared shitless by the experience though, so while it did evoke Death, and was altogether an experience of finality, much more so than the "ego deaths" I mentioned above, I'm still reluctant to call it an "ego death". It was a meeting with Death, but my "Ego" was still there to shit its pants.

Whatever... Just wanted to share some thoughts on the topic. Great integration work you're doing by the way. Welcome to the Nexus.

Thanks Seems like a hell of a waste not to pick through whatever this stuff unearths.
I've considered therapy for years, but always been put off by the nagging suspicion that with the right tools I could work on myself directly. Don't get me wrong, I'm still considering some sort of external therapy, but at least now, the further I delve into these currents and eddies the more I'll have to offer up for examination if I decide to.



Thank you very much for clearing that up!
I'm very glad that you'd consider this a "death related experience"... it gives weight to how I feel about what happened and helps reset my expectations about further experiences.

I admit that those couple of phrases have caused me some confusion. I thought I'd 'broken through' on my first 6-7 trips, until that 8th trip when I 'broke through'. Who's to say that was really a breakthough, and that I'm not going to have my definition blown out of the water once more the next time I venture out.

It's also comforting that there are seemingly plenty of people going back in after these 'death related experiences'... Gives me courage to do the same.
I'd recently come to lament being born in an age where there's not very much of the world left to discover for the first time, little raw experience, and not many adventures to be had that hadn't been had before. While I know that's not really true, it's really invigorating knowing that there are all these brushes with the truly unknown to be had right now, here, and that all of you are out there exploring with me.

Pleasure to be here. Really looking forward to seeing all the things that are to come.

Safe travels all