Introduction

My journey begun almost two years ago. I discovered the existence of this substance and was reading everthing I could find about it, obviously I watched the here discredited and looked down to movie "the spirit molecule", read the forum, checked out trip reports on Reddit as well as on YouTube, it was very inspiring and after a year I decided I want to try it. Then funny things started happening, as cliche as it sounds, the DMT found me.
It was in a way I can only describe as Synchronicities. Because I was meeting a guy, that I barely knew but always liked (it was a Friend of a Friend) in random places around town in a short time span (never this frequently before or afterwards). He and his gf are very experienced psychonauts and are using various psychedelics on a frequent basis. Yet, they never shout it from the rooftops, so I didn't even know. After many of these random encounters I was laughing to myself, that I need to get into conversation the next time we meet versus just greeting him. So, did I.

We were talking about our work, the future of technology and a little bit about the world - at this time I was questioning everything, because I dwelled deep in literature and other sources that talked about or reported near-death experiences (also the famous tibetian book of the dead). This topic deeply fascinated and influenced me. I constantly was asking myself as Goethe in Faust "what is it, that binds the innermost core of the universe together?". As restrained as he is, he didn't lost a word about psychedelics, but after I started to talk about this DMT thing I was now researching and the consumption of substances like these, he just smiled and said something in the manner of "don't worry man, we are trying everything, more than you think". This has got immediately my attention and we started to talk about their freaky trips. He offered me to come with him and I'll get whatever I want to try. I was very happy about the opportunity and jumped immediately on the train.

Ultimately holding the gvg and vaping was very hard and I've just got some very brief mini experiences. I was careful and picky about the times I would try it, as I was scared as fuck, because I never tried any psychedelic before. In the end, I had to return the pipe as they needed it for somebody that was visiting them. But now I knew, I have to pursue it independently and go further. I bought the bark and wanted to extract my own, I searched for other methods of ingestion and read a Reddit thread about the yucon pen. Bought it and started to revamp my school chemistry skills I already knew the smell of this dream sand, so after extraction I knew I did it right!


Experiences and thoughts on them

After I made a small batch, I tried it and was blown away not only by the spice, but also by the easy way to vaporize it! So foolproof and tasteless.

Most trips I did till now, were very tiny amounts in the ballpark of 5mg. Nonetheless I was getting pretty cool trips. Lately, after a long period of abstinence I felt it was a good time to start again and did two trips one after the other with 15mg and 30mg, finishing the batch. Obviously as you probably know, by finding words for these unearthly experiences I'm trying to do the nearly impossible. Yet, I really want to share my thoughts and will do the best I can.

The funny thing is, till now I can't truly relate any of my experiences to the trip reports I have read. Just marginally I think. Because I never saw any entities, no elves or jesters. I was only in this crazy, super complex introspective spaces.

But let's start from the beginning. I remember the first time I took it, I felt the substance entering my lungs, spreading left and right and then all of a sudden in a sequence from the top to the bottom, like plop, plop, plop, plop, tensed muscles (or maybe some sort of chakras) opened and let go. I think, this was the first time in my life were I felt so deeply relaxed and at ease, at least from what I can remember. I could breeeeeath! It was so liberating. Btw. I never knew that there is any tension at all, I only became conscious of this tension, that imho. is related to deep anxiety in the subconscious, by feeling the healing. I was thinking about this and thought if this only concerned me because it is caused by my life circumstances, or if we humans all are anxious motherfuckers, that fear death or social exclusion which equals death to our subconscious, so that we build up this tension or bodily armor as Whilhelm Reich named it (checkout Elliot Hulse's body energetics videos), while grinding our teeth at nights because we fear getting a bad grade or losing a job and giving in to the urge to rock our legs nervously while sitting in the chair or in bed at night. Under the surface I was very nervous, yet unconscious of it and even if I would have known, fixing it wouldn't be easy. Now, I'm waaaaay more relaxed and can sit still and my restless legs at night disappeared. I was so used to it, that I thought it is the way how my body works ... what a fool I was. Thank you DMT.

In the first sittings I remember to see dancing waves (somebody wrote in his thread that the DMT told him these waves are our souls, I like to think about it in this way but truly doesn't know). In the beginning of one particular trip my mind started to comment on everything and I have got this feeling to stop it. So my mind thought "stop it" when realizing that I just did what I wanted to stop, again my mind thought "aawh wtf" resulting in another useless comment, then my mind thought "stop it" laughing I thought "shit, did it again, wait? fuck, stop. Stop!" I found my balance stopped telling myself to stop but *actually* stopped. After calming my monkey mind from thinking and self talk, I could relax into the experience. This was a valuable lesson, being able to meditate helped a lot. Teaching yourself how to calm your mind and being able to get into the thoughtless state is a prerequisite for any DMT usage in my opinion. But even if you aren't able to do it, the DMT will teach you fast, you will feel like a child that isn't even able to do the easiest thing ever: shutting the fuck up. I had similar experiences later even in other contexts, I felt so stupid sometimes I would say "I'm sorry". So this is an interesting insight again, where I thought, who the fuck am I, because in the end I'm not this voice that starts to think when I'm actually not wanting it? This means I am something that has an intention to stop the thinking process, I am able to perceive that there is something happening that I want to stop and in the end I am able to stop it and just be. I think 99% (at least in the Western world) is identified with their thoughts, even our language is constructed in a way that assumes that thoughts can only belong to a person. Yet, in the end we don't know shit about where these sentences in our heads come from. Mastering their control teaches you that you have power other them, so you have to be something else, like the awareness, the being. The you is something that sits in the background and is only perceiving and choosing. So, I'm sorry Decartes I'm not, because I think, I am because I perceive. I am, because I am. I think in this context it's funny that the biblical God introduced himself as "I am."

I had a trip where I couldn't remember much, but after it I was laughing from my whole heart and felt deep inside me a truth that I gained through it, I jumped up and immediately called a friend telling him that "This. All this. This whole life. This place, this planet. IT IS FOR FUN!!!! It is for fucking fun. Don't take things so seriously. It's all your choice, if you want to dwell in negativity fucking do it, but remember that you are choosing it. Unconsciously or consciously it doesn't matter. All is for fun, if you want a good time have a good time!"

In another trip I forget who I was and confused me with my friends (that sat in the same position just a day before), but I didn't panicked I just thought to myself, "It doesn't matter now, you will remember after the trip." A confusing thought I'm getting frequently is, if all other people *know* and I'm just dumb or if all the others are some kind of illusion and not real in some way. I don't like these thoughts and always try to calm myself in such a case, but sometimes they move and pass through me so fast, as if a whole batch of thoughts is poured onto me, very complicated ones too that are hard to remember or express. I don't buy into the illusion-thought, because I refuse to think that others (you too!) are just NPCs so to say. I discarded Solipsism before I even touched DMT and don't know where these thoughts come from. Maybe it's my paranoia that manifests there, because I definitely have a shot of it mixed in my personality. Yet, sometimes I think the opposite: "what if everybody only knew ..... THIS"

I had this evolution of thought in my trips, that I'd like to share with you. In the beginning when I came into the geometric shapes that manifested this complex reality, I thought to me "I'm soooo stupid". The first time I was there I felt so stupid in my daylife, I had the feeling that my I, the thing I am, is so much more, complex and intelligent. Few trips later I had the recurring thought "Humans/We are sooooo stupid". My last trip with 30mg gave me the best insight on this topic so far. I felt a little bit disgusted and thought we are so primitive and stupid behaving like animals. Our most important ambitions and motivations are things like sex, money and power. We are so stupid, indeed. In the DMT space I feel like at home, and can't grasp why we are so stupid. Yet, when I'm back I just have to play the game again like everybody. Can you relate?

I had these thoughts popping into my head in different situations days and weeks after trips, where I just felt for a moment like a regisseur, that is able to see through the scene that is played out before him. Sometimes discussions in the real world, felt as if they were scripted and overdramatized. These thoughts kept coming and at times I'm witnessing the human drama. It looks as if it were from a game. Hard to say. Is this normal? Do you have thoughts like this too?

The last thing is, that I can feel in the DMT Space somekind of fakeness about me. It's as if I'm living my life for others and not for me. I have the feeling I live just to tell others about it, and while I'm living a moment I'm already thinking what I want to tell to Person X and Y. While I'm on DMT I'm often already thinking how to tell this to others and how to convince them to try it. It feels wrong, I should be. I should do what I want and witness it and stop thinking how to tell somebody about it. I have read these "fake"-feelings in other peoples reports I saved one quote i really liked: