My first trip. (WARNING: Disturbing!)

I had insufflated about 30-50mg of N,N DMT after having taken a significant amount of LSD and getting close to the peak of LSD.

I started seeing symmetrical geometry - I was in the woods, and around me the visual effect started out strong.

And as it started to happen I, of course, felt like I was seeing something more real about reality than I usually do.

I started to feel a cognitive effect - as my heart was racing, I looked down at my hands and realised who I am, a human being with a name and identity and life and memories.

It was all so shocking to remember that I really am existing in the instant in which I am.

I eventually looked around me at the ground and saw a "fundamental concept" about reality itself and the universe, and saw that the one thing everything has in common is that it all exists.

Existence.
That's literally what we all are. This consensus reality is all a game - an illusion.

I realized as I looked away from the fundamental concepts in the woods, and looked up into the sky out at the rest of the universe, that all of reality is one singular "Existence" and you could call it Infinity itself, Higher Consciousness, God, whatever.

For me, "I" (as in, my awareness of experience) literally merged with it all at a certain, almost mathematical point where literally all of reality was occurring, all at once, for eternity.

And immediately I knew; "This is it. The highest level. This is it."
I immediately thought, "Oh, THIS is God. All of reality."

It was incredible. Infinite ecstasy, pleasure, happiness. I was whole, I was complete, I became One. It was literally the experience of Perfection itself.

It was like all of reality was happening all at once, all at the exact same time, for all of eternity.



I thought, "This is perfect. How does it exist like this? How is it possible? How does it work?"




Then.




Then...

Haha...




I saw something almost like a hand pointing, or an arrow. It was a concept, one that I intuitively understood as something that pointed me to another concept.


It directed me down. Away from the infinite ecstasy of perfect existence. Down. Away from pleasure, happiness. It pointed me to this thing that I... barely have words for.

I "remembered" that, in order for perfection to exist, the opposite of perfection must also exist.

So, you see, I was directed at this sort of Existential Sin.
It's really, really, really, really, REALLY sad.


You see, I was like:
"Wow, it's so great to be ALL! It's so great that everything exists! I love infinity, the absolute ecstasy of being everything! Where does it all come from? How is it possible?"

And then... I thought to myself... "Wait a minute, what was this again?"

I see, for a split second...




Infinite suffering.




But only for an instant, and can't actually recall it.
"Huh? What was that!? That was horri- "



I see infinite suffering and pain happen again.



"Oh no-"


Again, it happens, with less delay.


"Is this-"

Again. Quicker this time. It happens over and over again faster and faster for a single moment but I cannot recall the experience.




I realize infinity and infinite existence has cycles.


You can exist as God, but to exist in infinite bliss, you are sourcing yourself from infinite pain that you are, inevitably, inflicting on yourself.

And eventually.

Eventually.

You know, you can almost forget about it.


But eventually.


Eventually.


Some day...



Really, you don't have to think about it.



Just. Eventually.



Eventually.




...




One day. That will be you.

It's really, really, really f***ed.




And I just looked back up at infinity. "Why?" I thought. "Why did I (all of Existence) do this?"
It's almost like a cosmic sort of crime. A really f***ed up sacrifice has to be made to experience life as it is for us and for all these great and beautiful things.

Eventually, all of infinite existence will experience suffering at a profound, brutual, incomprehensible level.


I had looked at it for a split second, and saw it, "someone" in great pain, smirking at me, saying:

"Do you like it? Does it feel good?"
That's immediately the sarcastic, gut-wrenching level of information I took from the instants where I saw infinite pain.

"Are you enjoying it?", the infinite pain conferred to me. "Good, because one day..."
I felt my entire awareness immersed in profound regret.

"Yeah. That's right. Enjoy it while you can."
I didn't want to experience that. The selfishness of wanting to be on this side and not THAT side made me feel as though I (infinite existence) had made a choice - an irreversible decision in the way it exists, in order to be the way it is.

It felt like "Existence" was worse than a child predator, worse than a serial killer, worse than any and all of humanity combined. I cannot begin to convey the disgust I felt at myself, at all of Existence.

And yet, here I was, enjoying myself, existing on the side of bliss.

I recalled the hellish torture that all of reality will, inevitably, be consumed by - for what will feel like an eternity - as something very, very, very dark and f***ed up.
The color red was a particular feature I remember strongly.

Guilt. Profound sadness. Regret. Fear.

But honestly, I knew I was barely feeling anything at all, compared to what waits for me when I'm the one who's had all the fun for an eternity and will have to take it's turn in that profound world of "existential death" and agony.

It's... it's the opposite of God. It's infinite limitation rather than unlimited freedom.

The fact that there is a part of existence that is infinite, unlimited, and free to do whatever it wants, means there is something being infinitely hurt, infinitely losing, infinitely suffering. THAT is also a part of Existence.
And when it does happen to you, you are the thing that is taking that infinite pain...

It's essentially hell. No other way to put it. The suffering is truly indescribeable.

...when it ends, you immediately erase it from your memory after you escape the existence of infinite limitation and suffering, once you're back to being unlimited, omniscient.
And then... it becomes so easy... to just. Have a little fun. In infinity.
I mean. Just harmless fun.
Some pleasure. Some ecstasy. Experience a lot of things, powerful and beautiful things!
You can even forget you're God, so that you can't let yourself remember! By being everything, by immersing yourself in life!
And by completely forgetting that, one day, will come. That you're constantly creating more suffering.


After looking back at myself, at the single point where all of reality collapses into itself, I almost felt the Universe/my true self communicate to me in a way and say:
"Yeah... Oh well." almost like a man who just raped an innocent child and crushed it body brutally, shrugging his hands up, making a twisted smile. "that's how it is."



It was more or less after this that I opened my eyes, and found myself lying horizontally on the ground, back to my human experience of consensus reality.

I recollected my thoughts, and initially I couldn't remember the dark parts of this story in detail, but recently they came back to me.

I am hoping that this was just a crazy bad trip, but deep down I feel like what I experienced seemed undeniable and part of the ultimate truth of reality.

I didn't mention it in my post, but would like to hear from anyone who has had very similar or identical revelations. This has had me tossing and turning in bed - I fear that, if true, would be very sad. Whenever I remember it in vivid detail, my heart sinks and I can feel myself breaking into a sweat.

I've not had such extreme trips yet. But I do have insites.
One thing someone else mentioned on reddit that grabbed my attention strongly is this:



From the reddit post by Vainth.
From this thread on Mckennas Bad trip: https://www.reddit.com/r...y_describe_his_bad_trip/


And that really speaks to me because you have to work to reward. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.. with out work.. it doesn't work.


A personal thought I've had, imagine you were an atom experiencing constant pleasure. And there was another atom next to you experiencing constant suffering. Would you switch? Would you let go of pleasure so the other could experience it and then you experience the suffering?
In my opinion. If you do switch. The other may switch too. So you'll have this back n forth of pleasure/pain. Enlightenment. Knowing both light and dark. Pass the ball, together we're not small.

Idk if these thoughts will help you much but seemed related to your experience of light and dark.

Thanks, ColorfulElfBoy! I feel a bit better reading this.

I think writing about my experience has helped me deal with it better.
I wish that there were infinite happiness for literally all of existence, but clearly that's not how it is right now.

Maybe someday, as humanity progresses towards a futuristic civilization and comes to grips with greater aspects of reality beyond our current comprehension, we can come to understand - and possibly be able to direct - the things that occur in higher reality, for the betterment of everything!

I know that sounds very optimistic, but I hope that, if there is infinite suffering, something can be done about it.

For now, I shouldn't stress out about this - I've lately been sort of depressed about it, but more suffering won't achieve anything. I'll try to focus on the positive.

Well it's that whole concept of contrast. Can't read writing if theres no contrast, and to take that concept further, can't be a conscious being experiencing things if it's just a white wall of pleasure, or happiness.
I look at extreme drug addicts for example, they are slaves to pleasure, they lose themselves.
I currently think free will is in that decision to turn away from pleasure. To face the dark. Face the fact that it takes work to create a good time. You get out what you put in. And if you just chase infinite happiness or pleasure, not only are you giving up your autonomy, but you'll soon dive right to hell.
I think that place you went to of infinite suffering can be avoided with honest work.
Hence gods greatest fear, having to do all that work again.

Hope you feel better soon about it

An interesting and good read. Thanks for writing everything. Can definitely say that i've felt some of the same underlying things that you'd experienced during, primarily what you'd wrote at the beginning there.

Welcome

You are apart of this vast infinity. You can feel it when you trip more intensely then normal. Being apart of existence good and bad can be differentiated by the mind. In my experience when I feel myself falling down this anxiety hole I look for lessons around me to understand my position in reality. When you come to a point of calmness through the anxiety you can serve as a guide to those around you to help then learn their lessons. Every experience brings you lessons that will increase your understanding.

Peace and Love.

ThatDude, thank you for the detailed and immersive experience report!

I can relate somewhat, I once felt I was trapped eternally in the "suffering hell" part that you describe. I find it incredible you observed it "one step above", so to say. That you saw it as part of the whole, the hell and heaven, both counterparts of the totality of Existence. Reading your report felt revelatory to me, and helped me further understand my own previous experience (if you wish to read about it, I posted it earlier today at https://www.dmt-nexus.me...aspx?g=posts&t=95062 )

Thank you again, hope you have a wonderful day