alert,
I am so very sorry for your loss. It's almost too much to grasp/understand and yet here you are in the middle of it all. One searches for meaning and sometimes one finds it and sometimes one does not. We reach out to higher powers and are greeted with silence.
I have always felt that true adulthood comes with the loss of parents. It's so sad, but it forces us to a.) truly be on our own and b.) find new family, find a new understanding that sometimes, a lot of times, family is where one finds it.
Try to be easy on yourself and don't be afraid to reach out for help, be that from other relatives, counselors, if you are a church member, etc. And of course, here, us.
We cannot heal your wound. Many of us have wounds or scars that are similar but that's all. We can listen and try to offer you our love and support. And in a way that's all any family can really do that really matters in my opinion. So, please don't be afraid. We don't know who you are - speaking for myself and my area of living that is a rather common headline,

.
I'm glad you chose to share and glad you are feeling a bit better. This will not be an easy time. Major life transitions never are. Again, I implore you to continue reaching out. Please stay alive. I am absolutely SURE that your mother, father and brother would tell you they were sorry it worked out this way but that you should in fact take your time . . . .
Speaking for my personal loss, I came to realize that my dead loved ones would be saddened if I ended my life or if I spent it not healing but stuck in the grieving state.
It takes time. Again, I stress that it's okay to ask for help and that I hope you will find strong family feelings here.
All of this is just personal opinion of an aging woman - if I have said anything offensive or insensitive I sincerely apologize. I and the rest of us Nexians wish you only the best possible outcomes for these challenging times.
Peace & Love,
Pandora
"But even if nothing lasts and everything is lost, there is still the intrinsic value of the moment. The present moment, ultimately, is more than enough, a gift of grace and unfathomable value, which our friend and lover death paints in stark relief."-Rick Doblin, Ph.D. MAPS President, MAPS Bulletin Vol. XX, No. 1, pg. 2Hyperspace LOVES YOU