Hey,

I used to be heavy cannabis-smoker for almost a year and I also worked in a rough environment. Then last autumn I got a huge pile of Psilocybe Semilanceatas in my hands so I also took small doses of these time to time. Things went okay but then I started to have personal problems with close ones. I guess they were worried and I didn't see the point.
Anyway I left for a six-week vacation in December and went travelling and also for a 10-day meditation retreat. I didn't smoke that time but started again the same day I got away.

During my travels I started to feel extremely lonely and I started to imagine shooting my head repeatedly. I got back home less than week before my work started and last weekend before I started I was really desperate. First on Friday I took mushrooms and thing were fine but then on Saturday I somehow wanted to continue so I first took LSD and after a while still wanted to get deeper so I ate rest of the mushrooms as well. I guess I also smoked cannabis.

I was looking in the mirror and then I felt that my neighbors somehow disturbed my trip and I did again this shooting my head thing with hand gesture. At that point I felt something really broke. It's now been 6-weeks and I'm still having mild pain in my head but the location varies. Often I also feel my head is cold. I smoked few times after and also tried mushrooms once and felt really different.. Now it's more than three weeks without any of these, only Risperidon from doctor and some coffee and tea. I managed to stay three weeks at work but it was really horrible and I think everyone also noticed I wasn't fine. Now I have three weeks left sick leave but I'm not feeling really hopeful..

Worst thing is that I can't really go anywhere cause I now have these really mean intrusive thoughts about pretty much anyone and it also strongly feels that people notice these somehow..

Everytime I try to search for something similar I see news like psychedelics make new brain connections etc.

Any idea how I could connect with people again? Could DMT repair my brain? I know that these intrusive thoughts are unreal but it is so rough to think sorry all the time. I've applied for a psychoatrist but it takes time and I doubt they don't have too much experience on things like this.

I hope people with some knowledge could see this. I guess I can't post this in more popular category?

Hi jarder. Are you doing alright now or do you think you might hurt yourself?

"Heavy cannabis smoker", "working in a rough environment", "lonely".. I think a lot of people can relate to that one. I was there at one point too.

Substances aren't going to solve your predicament, and I would caution against using them until you have levelled out completely. It sounds like you weren't in a good place at the beginning of this story and now you seem to be in a worse place than before.. my advice would be to stop using any substances and start treating yourself better.

Once you love yourself a bit more (not in a narcissistic way) you'll be in a better position to make connections with other people. It takes time and commitment to yourself but it's the only way. The abstractions of the psychedelic landscape aren't solid enough to find your feet that way, you need to focus more on the real world to balance yourself out.

I have now stayed a lot at my parents place and I've made a commitment that I don't make anymore sorrow for them but quite often I still get really desperate and feel so pointless. I guess I have to stay out of everything except healthy food for now and see if it gets better.. I just want to get rid of the mean images and thoughts since I never wanted to hurt anyone...

These things can take a while, but they'll pass. It isn't advised to take a lot of psychedelics while in a crisis, since these things can add confusion and even paranaoia, which you seem to be experiencing.
Still, you condition wasn't good beforehand, so it's difficult to say how much the substances really added to this. My advise: Stay clear for a while, and try to work on these things. Don't do any more psychedelics for, say, a few months at least.
The substances on their own won't and can't fix you. They can open a door, add a new perspective, but very often, the real work is done afterwards, reflecting on the experience.

I myself have always gotten the most out of experiences when I prepared for them carefully: Stay sober for a while, eat well, try to get some of the stress out of my system / have a break from the usual routine. Do lot's of exercise (don't overtax yourself though), long walks in nature, etc.. Then, one pungent experience, and time to reflect on it. This works the best for me.

These things can be worked out, and if the psychedelics added confusion, this will pass. They don't rewire your brain overnight, don't worry about this. But if you take so much in a short time, it can reduce clarity for a while. This won't be permanent, and may yet have given you valuable insight. But you have to work with it to reap the benefits.

I'd suggest another way of tackling the issue. Maybe you can find a good therapist? Start meditating? Etc. etc.

My best wishes to you - you'll get this, I'm sure of it.

Six week vacation? 10 day meditation retreat?

If you are fortunate enough to go and do these things, you should count your blessings, so to speak. Take a step back from the kind of thoughts you are having at this moment. Start looking at the things in your life that you are grateful for. Your thoughts create your emotions and that creates the kind of experience you are having. Give gratitude and love!

If you are not ready to get into this kind of headspace, then maybe consider doing some personal work. Observe the thoughts you are having, feel those emotions. Go into if you are able.

“Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.”
~C.G. Jung

“Be silent and listen: have you recognized your madness and do you admit it? Have you noticed that all your foundations are completely mired in madness? Do you not want to recognize your madness and welcome it in a friendly manner? You wanted to accept everything. So accept madness too. Let the light of your madness shine, and it will suddenly dawn on you. Madness is not to be despised and not to be feared, but instead you should give it life...If you want to find paths, you should also not spurn madness, since it makes up such a great part of your nature...Be glad that you can recognize it, for you will thus avoid becoming its victim. Madness is a special form of the spirit and clings to all teachings and philosophies, but even more to daily life, since life itself is full of craziness and at bottom utterly illogical. Man strives toward reason only so that he can make rules for himself. Life itself has no rules. That is its mystery and its unknown law. What you call knowledge is an attempt to impose something comprehensible on life.”
~C.G. Jung

Thank you all, it's wonderful how powerful words can be.
I think I got some tears of joy after I read brewsters post :']

I hope I can get to see the psychiatrist soon and start with the therapy. Also I think I spend too much time on searching information about my state from the internet instead of meditation for example. I guess some mild yoga would be good as well and more time in nature yeees.
Easy to plan, hard to have the discipline..

Anyway I feel much better now than in the morning . Thank you!

Some good advice here. Make sure you reach out to loved ones if you are going to hurt yourself. I agree stay clear of substances for the time. Try to not focus on what you think other people are thinking of you. You cannot control their thoughts. Focus on yourself, take this time to submerge In hobbies and interests. Tell yourself every morning and every night, you’re beautiful, you’re strong, you are worthy of love. Change the outlook to one of positivity, say these things out loud to yourself until you believe them. Loneliness will pass, it is normal to feel lonely at times, try not to see this as negative.

What I’m about to say is very cliché, but we need darkness to appreciate the light, and we find our true strength through suffering. See this as a learning phase, not as a negative experience.

This is coming from someone who was hospitalised in his teens for a suicide attempt.

Hello Jarder. Sorry you are feeling bad. Life can be a difficult journey, and expanding the mind can open one's self up to some scary imagery, feelings, and impulses.

I agree with the other posters suggesting staying clear of substances and sacraments for the time being, and working on feeling stable and healthy. Connecting with a skilled therapist, not just psychiatry, is a good idea. We all can benefit from this kind of exploration and support. While not all therapists are versed in the psychedelic experience, they are all trained (to varying degrees) to deal with emotions and life challenges.

One of the things I've learned through the years is not to overreact to inner (or external) experiences. Just learn what I can, and let the thoughts pass like the wind.

We all have dark thoughts at times. Do not act upon them. Kind of like acting on anger; your actions will no longer fit/work for you or feel right once the feeling has subsided, which always occurs. Externalizing them by expressing them, and exploring their personal meaning with a caring therapist and loved ones can help you to better understand yourself and your path.

Glad you reached out and hope you are feeling better soon.

Oh yea, I have started with some compassion practice towards other people to see if the mean intrusive thoughts would decrease but I have to remember to keep myself there as well ..

I did meditation today in the morning with one experienced person and again in the evening in a group and acupuncture in between, I also spent few hours in a forest. I still feel quite detached but has been a good day anyway .
I got some guided meditation records from this guy I visited, should be fine to do it on my own as well.. Also planning to attend a yoga group tomorrow..
I guess I should somehow slowly start to interact with new people as well and not just show up and perform. That has been always difficult for me and now it's much worse.. Day by day

I'm happy to hear that! You seem to be doing a lot of good work, this is really encouraging. I loved my solo meditation practice, but when I found a nice group to practice with, it got a whole new dynamic. But not all groups will feel right.

See you around!

Meditation is great! I used to meditate every day but haven't for a long time, maybe it's a good idea to start back up again.

I used to suffer extreme panic attacks, and the one substance that did help me was Salvia Divinorum. I think there's something in Salvia that has a suggestibility nature to it for me, in my personal experience, when I'm on Salvia I can give myself suggestions almost like hypnosis which stick to some degree. That's how I got out of my panic attacks. I'd sit in my room, give myself a goal and rules to follow while tripping "Do not leave this room, remain laying down and focus on peace, harmony, letting go of anxiety" The panic attacks eventually went away, though I still have a great deal of anxiety.

it didn't start that way though, I sort of found out by accident. I would see the world and myself differently while in Salvia space, if I saw something outside my window I could convince myself it was a bunny even though it was an inanimate object. Part of me knew it wasn't a bunny, but part of me knew it was. Hard to explain.

I'm not saying you should try it, just giving my own experience. I'm still a DMT virgin trying to lose my V-card so I have no idea how DMT might affect you.

I have done something similar using mushrooms. I wanted to quit drinking alcohol, so while on mushrooms, I convinced myself that I would get sick if I drank. Funny how moldable the mind can be.

"It's a rockin' rabbit! Or maybe a rabbit-rock! Wait, no, that's just a T-rex outside... cute little fella'.... wait... OH! T-Rocks rabbix ret! Wtf. Salvia is weird."

Hi friend,

Sorry to hear you are having trouble, but it sounds like you're landing on your feet well enough.

The advice others here have given is quite good, just wanted to chime in a bit about the meditation. Meditation can be really helpful, but it can also lead to some problems. For folks who are getting a bit lost in their own minds, the meditation can take you out further. Likewise, say for people who have a lot of strong negative thoughts, sometimes meditating can exacerbate this. The free 10-day meditation retreats in the tradition of Goenka -- which may be what you did -- can be very intense, and people sometimes have "breakdowns" at them.

Which isn't to say you shouldn't meditate -- it sounds like it is treating you well right now. I just share this so it's something you might track, to make sure it continues to be helpful and supportive. You might try walking meditation, too, if you haven't already... I can give more info on that if you'd like. Working with a meditation teacher, someone you can be open with about your experiences, is always really good, too!

I'd generally suggest body-based activities too, to help ground you out. Shoveling snow, helping a friend move, clearing brush, or just playing basketball can be great.

Also, it is worth considering what your own intentions are in seeing the psychiatrist. Do you feel you have a chemical imbalance that would benefit from medication? If so, then a psychiatrist is probably the right thing. But if on the other hand, you feel your challenges are primarily psychological or social (i.e. feeling lonely, struggling with a relationship, etc.) then perhaps therapy with a psychologist is more appropriate. Or a combination of the two -- i.e. medication to help in the short-term and therapy to help in the long-term. If I may ask, did you just start taking Risperdal to help with your current situation, or have you taken it for a long time?

Like others have said, sobriety sounds wise for now. You've had the psychedelic journey... it's time to integrate, for a few months at least.

Yes it was a Vipassana-retreat I attended, but I couldn't really follow. It was too rough for my experience. Most of the time I was just planning stuff in my head or checking around.. Now I have taken part in more guided meditations which I find better for myself.
I have heard some instructions for walking meditation and tried to do it but I tend to get lost easily. I'm happy to get new perspective for this as well.

I was prescribed Risperidon for these intrusive thoughts and images I have started to have after this most shocking experience. I'm still also quite worried about the physical feelings in my head which started then. It feels like the surface layer of my head is really thin and and the coldness gets to my head easily. Then there is other feelings which I can't really describe as pain, but it is not normal and the location varies. I think I need to concentrate more on this tomorrow when I see doctor again. Although she doesn't really seem to be an expert on stuff like this..

I would rather start with a psychologist as soon as possible but the system here requires first meeting with a psychiatrist to get support from government for therapy.

I don't feel like I have a chemical imbalance. It felt that something really broke in my head when I imagined shooting it.. For a long time it felt that there is like a mild paralysis next to my right eye. Sometimes the feeling is more like mild pain than other. But it is better than few weeks ago.

I am here to tell you that this will pass. But not without work. From what I see you are doing great in reaching out for help. It is of the most importance, as you can rarely get out of situations like this just by yourself, after getting stuck in this perpetual circle.

Hearing someone else's thoughts or just simply letting someone hear how you're felling can do miracles. If you feel like it's too dark for anyone to hear - that someone can be yourself. What really helped me was writing down how I feel. Writing down helps in a way, that it allows you to actually let it all out. At first you may wrote whatever comes to your head ad let it flow, but eventually you will start running out. You will have a whole lot things mentioned, will have to start thinking what else is there to say, perhaps even going back and editing few areas in order to make it a little clearer for anyone reading to understand.

It probably won't help you instantly, but when you start having the same thoughts again you can now reflect on what you wrote. It will all be already there. Because it is already written down and somewhat structured there is no need to keep thinking in circles, debating and trying to find out answers in your head, but not really being able to because you're stuck in circles and keep getting back to the same things. Get back to the file and write down anything new that came to you head or if you remember not mentioning one thing or another.

It did help me, more than once. But you really have to be very honest with yourself. Even though I was never in as tough situation as you are, but I feel you.

Other thing. May seem unrealistic, hard to believe and to many sound controversial and might even be against their very beliefs, but I guess as Aristotle said 'It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it'. Let's start with that.
In short - your diet can affect your body and your mind beyond what you can imagine. That is probably not too hard to agree with, however I am speaking about 100% carnivore diet. I will not tell anything more but I'd very much encourage you to do your own research. Information on how it helped people with various illnesses is not hard to find. Especially now, when this is starting to pick up and more people are trying it out and sharing their stories, month my month. Allow animals to help heal you. Many ex-vegans and ex-vegetarians have healed themselves this way, after fining themselves in terrible places both physically and mentally, and realizing that it has always been the food and that their beliefs were not as straight forward as one would like them to be. Might be a tough pill to swallow, but maybe this is what can actually help you. Try finding any negative stories of people who actually tried this, try finding success stories. Hear both sides.

This might not be the standard reply one would expect but again perhaps this might be what you needed to find. However, and I am sure it's needless to day, please do not take any of the above as an advice. I am sharing what I tried myself and what helped me more than anything else.

Best of luck and I am looking forward to hearing from you again.

Just responding to a few points here.

Got it. I wouldn't recommend those kind of retreats (or that kind of practice) right now -- but sounds like you're sorting that out yourself, too. How are you practicing the walking meditation currently?

& it may be that your doctor isn't an expert -- unfortunately there are too many doctors who aren't familiar with this kind of terrain.

Personally, I would recommend being cautious about any long-term medication and trying to work with medical professional who are likewise cautious -- as they can have their own side effects in the long run.

Which isn't to say you shouldn't take medication -- sounds like you feel its beneficial right now -- but just be aware that some professionals are VERY medication oriented, they think it's a cure all (or they don't know what to do, so it's their default) and there are others who work in a much more holistic way, and encourage medication as one possible part of many solutions. I think those in the latter category are more sound -- but of course your own perspective and needs may vary! And it sounds like you are within some healthcare system that has it's own limits, too.

I have done walking meditation along sitting meditation, just walking a circle in my room and trying to concentrate on the feelings at the bottom of my feet. I've also tried to concentrate on the same feelings while walking outside but there I get lost in my thoughts so fast..

I went to the doctor again today and now she gave me Moclobemide along Risperdal. I've been quite happy without taking medication before but I will now try that as well if it would help me to start interacting with people again. Should be better than ssri:s, right?

Moclobemide might come in very handy should you ever decide start exploring oral DMT. You might want to hang on to some of that. But, do wait until you're in a better place before doing so. IIRC, risperidone will block the effects of psychedelics anyhow. Speaking of which, I question the thinking behind giving you a RIMA alongside a serotonin antagonist. Seems like a bit of a contradiction.

You might want to consider finding a better doctor.

Re: walking meditation. That all sounds good. You can also have a more relaxed attention on the movement of the body through space, and go at a relatively normal pace for that (varying depending on what feels needed to settle or energize the mind at that time). Generally when I am doing formal walking meditation (as opposed to just going for a walk), I walk back in forth in a line -- about 15 - 25 feet, depending on my pace.

Re: medications. That's a relatively common/mainstream approach - oh one's not working well enough? here add another - but personally, I'd be wary of taking two medications... especially since you've only tried the one for a little bit of time (if I understand right). Makes it harder to know what's doing what, and increases the chance of unwanted side effects. But then again, I'm not there with you and I don't know what exactly you're going through, so I really can't tell you what's right or wrong.

But it sounds like one of your biggest challenges is feeling lonely, and the difficulties leaving the house. Do you have any friends or family that you can hang with these days? I also wonder if there are any helpful support groups in your area?

Are you doing any physical activities these days?