This thread has digressed.

Sighmon, I feel you are being non-receptive, dismissive and argumentative. You brought this whole thing up and then argue anything anyone brings to the table. After reading through this thread, I feel like you already think you have all the answers.

Do you want to know why you had an unbearable ego death? I think it is because you cannot let go of your ego. It has run amuck in your unbearable DMT experience and now presents itself here. Stay on topic and work on the original post.

Please answer your original post? What advice would you give yourself? I am genuinely interested in hearing from you on this. Perhaps we can steer this back on track. Why did you write the OP? What were you expecting?

Hello sighmon. First of all, and as others have said, we love you.

I am familiar with the hyperslap anxiety you speak of. The short recurring feeling/memory of loosing one's mind can be extremely stressful. You mention your concern is getting stuck forever in a never ending hell. I understand that, I've experienced that concern too.

Turns out that does not come to pass. Consistently we come back in some form or another. It's normal to fight the feeling or memory as it comes, but in my case I found that this 'reflex' is the worst thing one can do: fighting it will escalate the anxiety. Thanks to the help from folks on the Nexus, I've found that stepping back and observering/accepting helps integrate the new mindstate. With acceptance, axiety flips into meditation/introspection. Easier said than done though, but with this mindset, you can look forward the next time you feel these feelings start as an opportunity to try it out and practice.

I have to agree with Doc and DmnStr8. While the doctors you have worked hard with have the best intentions in mind and are deeply knoledgable in some areas, they lack psychedelic training. Not their fault: we are just getting over a very sad part of out history were psychedelics were improperly villified and criminalized. Fortunately, drug assisted psychotherapy is in final approval phases and trained physicians should become available in the next few years. Also, without wanting to sound harsh, I think you have an inflated ego issue. No biggie, I have the same problem :-). I think that continuing to work on the root cause of the social anxiety so benzos are no longer necessary, letting go of a big ego, and learning to accept and simply be grateful is all great advice that has been given to you.

I saw your argument about oneness arising because psychedelics reduce brain function. If I understood your argument, I think you got it backwards. Psychedelics have been shown to enhance brain function and creativity. It has been recently been measured that psychedelics can rewire the brain to overcome depression and there are anecdotal reports of them helping with stutter. So your argument should be flipped to say that psychedelics help us overcome our delusion of being separate which we experience when our brain capacity is lower in our usual non psychedelic state.

To boot, even self-limiting reductionist materialism (~science) itslef seems to go support the psychedelic experience of oneness: physicists believe that all the different fields and forces in nature may come from a single unfied one. They think when our universe began there was only one field. They've already merged several forces (strong/weak/electric/magnetic) and only gravity has resisted efforts to join into the oneness. There is a beautiful geometry that is present in pysics and it can be shown that the symmetry of time is equivalent to the conservation of energy and the symmetry of space equivalent to the conservation of momentum. Gravity itself has a geometric description.

I wish you the best in our beautiful journey through life. Cheers.

I asked quite specific questions actually (there are two literal question marks in my OP both of which are in this small quote) which frustratingly were mostly ignored.
Not only were those questions not answered but instead I got lots of unasked for medical advice and religion thrown at me and apparently I was also expected to just accept all that without questioning and even bow down in gratitude for this "wisdom"? Of course I'm gonna be dismissive and argumentative about that. I felt as if I could have replaced my whole OP by "Benzos, oneness, discuss!" and gotten the same replies.


Fair enough, it's a possibility. But I was skeptical of it because I've experienced that difficulty letting go before in other experiences and this time it was categorically different. Hence my question about people having had both experiences, mine and the void, because that could convince me.

Totally fair enough.


Apologies for any perceived anti-ranting.

I really try not to do that anymore, but sometimes the urge just gets the best of me and damn it, you showed me another issue that I really need to work on smoothing out...

So thank you hug.

It's no biggie Doc. I was just pointing my thoughts out.The thing about ranting is that, although it can be a bit over the top and dramatic, it also comes from a genuine place from the perspective of the rantee. And from what i have read of your posts in the past your place is a good place.
Sooner or later i will also probably have a bit of a rant. We all do it.



Pitubo, like myself, you can be a tenaciously argumentative SOB. So you would fit in and be a wellcome addition to my cult. I think that Sighmon has potential as a cult member aswell.

Since this thread is already so far gone ... well screw it , here's some of spracks possibly demented advice...

Instead of trying not to appear "like a freak" to your office workers... Why not just do whatever you feel like doing and let them think what they want? Maybe it'll scare em have to death (I don't know what your like without strong sedatives at a social environment such as I picture but I know what EYE have been like...) but who really cares.... If it's a situation you don't wanna be in then don't be in it or be in it and be real and let things be real and then they'll be forced to be real and then that really might not really be really good.

Ya know?



Just to be clear I have been suppressing my own emotions (on some level or another we all do this are whole lif3) my whole life but even more so the last few years... Or maybe I've just become more AWARE of it the last few years... Hmm. In either case it's manifested itself in physical symptoms at this point, much the same way the environment has begun to manifest symptoms due to the suppressing of Reality in the "Modern, Privileged" socities since the advent of industrialization...

Buckle yer seatbelts folks and your gunna need much moar than that valium for this... We're making people live Forever and we've got test babies brewin and you KNOW we're drinking bottled water... Ho Ho, we've got it made ladies and gentleman, turn off your blinkers and step on the pedal.

So, where do capitalism abstractions fit in when we are all the same thing? That would be a good ice breaker...

In my job I'm rarely idle so I can get away with little to no socializing on a normal day and my relationship with my coworkers is to a large part defined by such special occasions. I've had social aanxiety my entire life, far longer than I've had access to benzos and I know exactly what would happen without. I would stand there awkwardly unable to say anything for the whole time with a strong urge to flee. I've done it without benzos with other people and there's nothing to be gained from the experiment. Ultimately it would just mean I would have a more distant or no relationship at all with my coworkers which is not what I want. In the worst case they would evwn react negatively to it but they already know I have social anxiety so I guess thats not that likely.

I think indirectly people have been answering these questions. You categorize the experiences into two rough ones: the chaotic infinite hell-trip that eats you forever (or something like that, right?), and the blissful void/Clear Light/Godhead. I'm hesitant to say I have had the latter, but I have had many experiences that were not the former.

What experience happens is not only largely dependent on dose, but also on mindset/what you are willing to accept/believe. I would say that the DMT experience requires at least an acceptance that "you", the Observer, is more than your ego. Not necessarily that All is One (though the path tends to lead there if you walk it long enough), but at least that you are more than the ego.

If you believe that all that you are is the ego, then what could an ego-death be experienced as? A death of all that is. If you believe that your ego is a filter of sorts, which function is to make you functional in your human, then what could ego-death be experienced as? A removal of the filter, and a unification with All that Is. Does this make sense? It might not "prove" in itself that the belief points towards something true, but surely the belief largely affects the experience.

So when you ask if you "[are] just not the kind of person who enjoys it?" the answer is both yes and no. Your ego is not the kind that will enjoy it, not yet at least. I think it could require years and years of serious and willful confrontations with fear, chaos and "The Other" in order to be able to accept enough to "enjoy" a complete disintegration of reality and yourself. It could also be argued that if "you" enjoy it, you are not completely disintegrated, for in that state there no longer is any "you" to do the enjoying. Others don't require years of practice, seems many are able to get to that point fairly quickly.

I feel like I am far from that point yet, but I have made some progress the past few months. Had a trip fairly similar to yours at the end of March, and have tried to explore (sober, with DMT, and with mescaline) what made that trip as it was. My problem seemed to be a denial and non-acceptance of evil, a denial which prevented me from fully relaxing into the experience and letting go. Through mostly sober contemplation and some mescaline, it feels like I have managed to partly meet and accept my Jungian Shadow, and this has made subsequent blast-offs much more tolerable, though just as intense, if not more so.

Also, let's not downplay the fact that you said in the OP: "I accidentally got a huge dose which could easily have been 100-200mg." I'd bet even some of the most experienced people here would come back thinking that maybe the experience was a tad bit too intense.

HolySmoke, I am starting to think that "ego death" is a bad term. Maybe ego stripping or "leaving ego behind". It doesn"t die permanently but can change depending on your experiences.

Yeah, I agree. Maybe something like temporary egolessness. Ego death sounds more catchy, maybe that is why it has caught on. "Ego stripping" conjures images of the Observer observing an external ego going around a dance pole


Off topic: Word correction tried to correct egolessness into godlessness. Oh, the irony