Greetings Nexians,
Firstly, I send immense gratitude to those of you who have endeavored to help others with extractions and general knowledge. This is truely spreading love -- you all are, if you may forgive my language, saints of the present day. It is tremendously unselfish of these individuals -- you receive nothing but love and respect from my end.
I've been hanging around this website for a couple of months now, reading your posts (on a daily basis) and posting the occasional question in the nursery. I have, however, more recently felt compelled to communicate with some of the members in the regular forum topics and so I present you with an introduction. My intention is to present you with a natural stream of thoughts -- my hope is that, through this, you'll have some idea about my character (or lack thereof!). I will warn that my thinking process is often tangential and gravitates towards current ideas, no matter what the topic.
My original will was to avoid an introduction of the format "I am this and that"; it didn't feel completely right to assert certain qualities of my personality. I'm very often wrong and to be quite honest, I'm not sure what to say (maybe that's why I chose my username). And thusly, through this pattern of thinking, I constantly reduce and strip away at the things that I can say, until, ultimately, I am left with nothing to write about save "the facts" -- that is, the things that I have done in the waking world; things that have some sort of 'proof' and 'reality' to them. Why? Well, I know that these things happened. I'm certain of it.
But it doesn't stop here: one eventually finds, perhaps through the aid of psychedelic medicines, that the waking world has no 'proof' or 'reality' to it, either. No longer certain, I am reduced, dismayed, and finally empty. What is there at all? Is there no objective proof? Well, that's precisely the problem: one is searching for a truth outside of the self, one to build upon. As long as I think in this way, as long as I need the objective truth, I am stuck in a void. One realizes that there is nothing outside of the self.
The medicines, under my 'objective' paradigm, brought me to this void. But then Salvia showed me something which impacted me deeply: a man playing one hand against another; further, it showed me that I am one of these hands -- that we all are. It explained, in some sense, the feeling of 'waking up' when in deep psychedelic states. Did I make everything?
Sometime before this, I had been tossing around the idea that one chooses one's reality. Combined with the void feeling, this began to make sense. I had been reduced to nothing, had reduced myself to nothing, so that I could see that my perception of the world was entirely created by me and that everything was my choice. Initially, this can be terrifying: "what if I choose to live in fear?" But then one comes to the truly magnificent realization: I am here in this void, with absolutely nothing, and out of this nothingness called the voice "what if I choose to live in fear". Who is that? Who said that? Who am I talking to all of this time in my head? Why do I narrate my life to myself? It's LOVE. GOD. ECSTASY. The thing I've always been looking for. I cry.
Now, I must admit, I'm not sure if it happened this way. It seems, to me, that when I talk about my experiences, I'm always making them bigger and more extravagant -- does anybody else notice the same? It's precisely this exaggeration that makes me go back to the psychedelic spaces, to go deeper, because I'm not totally sure that I saw "it". But, I speak as if I am. Life is funny.